Mabuhay!

Welcome! You have stumbled upon the blog of the Princess Yahn, full of emotions, wisdom, and hearty randomness. What you see now happens to be the first self-made layout I have carefully and wholeheartedly crafted for my sixth year of blogging. I have resented already the recycling style. Say hello now to brand new, originals!

Dreams Realization. It's about time to have my dreams fully realized. And this year, I resolve to realizing them one by one. 2010 now starts the realization of my goals of long ago. This will be my theme for this year: dreams are now beginning to come true.

Layout uploaded on the 2nd of January, 2010. Thanks to Ivy for the brushes, Macromedia for the page editor, and Adobe for the image editor. All this time, they've always helped my imagination turn to reality. As for my hosts that have always accompanied me in this journey, Tabulas and Photobucket, gracias!

January 31, 2010

It Used To Be That Way

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And I'd be silly to start preaching, 'cause I don't know which point to make.

I cry myself to sleep in the night, when I can't sleep. I just keep thinking of you, recalling every bit of memory I had with you, and then trying to force these memories away from my forgetful mind. In some nights the tears stream freely in my cheeks, then there are nights that I could well manage and keep only my chinky eyes welled up in saline solution. Well, it used to be that way.

Sometimes when I am walking alone, I can't help but pause and realize that my mind is drifting off once again from reality; drifting towards instead to a dream, which is with you. A very far off dream that I shake off my head because just the thought that it's ephemeral--beautifully short-lived--breaks every piece that's left of my heart. Well, it used to be that way.

There are times that I would wake up, and then wish that I'd fall back to sleep instead. Not out of laziness, not out of a dream that I would definitely love to keep. But because of the painful reality that I do not wish to face. The truth of not being with you. Then again, reality can at times be a refuge. Trying to get away from your memory, unconsciousness definitely isn't a surefire escape. I may not see you in the daytime, but you linger uninvited in my consciousness. Well, it used to be that way.

I could almost fool myself and say that I've definitely moved on. Then you come around again, creep up the wall I've already put up so high, a wall I've protected myself with, the wall I've painfully created for my own security, for my own happiness.

Now, what used to be is no longer a thing of the past. What used to be remains to be still as is.

Would you please make me happy this time around?

The morale to the story goes: Never leave your heart alone.

Filed @ 09:01 PM in The Letters, Book Of The Yahn

January 23, 2010

Never Really Moved On

Posted by yahn | 1 comment/s

Sometimes I wish she was you
Well, I guess we never really moved on

Ang birthday ko. *bow*

I just have one wish: I want no material wealth; all I want is you.

I just want someone. I want one person. And it's him.

Medyo nagkaroon na naman ng kasiraan ang SELES-brasyon ng kaarawan ko. I wish I never really knew some things. I wish I never really felt anything... at all.

The same wish as last year. All over again. Except he wasn't really around this time.

THE END [Emotion Never Dies].

And if it didn't happen, then why does my heart feel?

Filed @ 09:35 PM in Book Of The Yahn

January 9, 2010

Resolution 101: The Game Plan

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As I have already said, this year will be different for me. This year will begin the realization of my dreams long ago. Today, I plan as I've always done, and now materialize them unlike before. I am no longer looking forward to committing the same ol' mistakes that keep me stuck in this rut.

Be specific with your goals. This valuable words are what struck me most, especially as I have heard this from my professor who is not just credible professor, but also an equally fair woman. Now I set my long term goals. Now I look forward to achieving the short term ones that lead to the fulfillment of the main goal. And everyday I will keep my eye on the goal. No more, no less.

The First Goal: March by 2012.

One word: study. Today I begin to practice in my life new and effective study habits. Studying that will not just get me through an exam, or even just a subject. But the kind of studying that sticks to my long-term memory and I could well use once I work.

The Personal Fulfillment Goal: Be happy everyday. Be satisfied at the end of the year.

I get full satisfaction from the mere fulfillment of my plans, from accomplishing small tasks, from the bit-by-bit achievement of a habit. On the other hand, I realize happiness of my own through the new stuffs: experiences and lessons. The kind of happiness I mean here is the longer-lasting one, not mere feeding of unstable human wants.

The Faith Goal: Practicing what I pray for.

I will be the child of God that he wishes me to be.

I do not really intend to write down all the details of my plans, my goals. Especially not in this blog, perhaps. But then, I guess that's where I go wrong all this time: not writing everything down--just some of the vague stuff.

So, instead of printing out this game plan, I am writing it by hand. And, no, I won't copy this exactly. Instead, I will write down all the little, step-by-step plans I intend to take in fulfilling my detailed goals, and post them every place that I can see them and should get me motivated.

Learning is what's left when everything else is forgotten. This is the year I wake up to the truth. This is the year I am setting straight my priorities, and actually living up to them. This will be the year that I will stop thinking of myself right now, and instead think of my future... and my future someone else.

Filed @ 09:00 PM in Book Of The Yahn

January 5, 2010

The Wrong and The Write

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We commit two wrongs when we fail to right a wrong.

What powerful words they mean. Especially as an opening for a prayer.

I read this in a crumpled piece of paper, torn from a page of my old notebook. As I read, I realize I've written this just last year. I can no longer recall what time of the year, if it was January or summer. I just notice how full of emotions it is. And that I ought to pray this out every now and then. Because it is actually a very good reminder.

Here is the prayer I dug up as I uncluttered my room, and my whole life, over the weekend.

Dear Lord,

So you're convicting me of the sins I have recently committed. And I can't be any more guilty. I do admit them. And I am humbly asking your forgiveness for those things. Alam ko nang mali, ginawa ko pa rin. Nagpadala ako sa personal desires ko. Hindi lang basta sa dahil gusto ko mismo ang inom pero dahil sa may gusto akong makasama.

I do admit as well the poor decisions I've made. I didn't even bother to consult with you--how wise of me! I've been blinded once again by my sinful desires--desires of the flesh.

Ito ako ngayon, sobrang confused, in such bad shape, and currently needing help. At alam kong in such times as this, ikaw lang talaga makakatulong sa akin. Ngayong gulong-gulo na ako, I recognize your tap in my back, whispering to me to call on you already. And here I am.

Sa gulo ng buhay ko ngayon, I just have one question: what do you want in my life? Lahat ng ito ba ay may ultimate purpose na ifu-fulfill, kahit para sa akin? What do you really want me to accomplish for you?

Priorities--I know I have to set them straight now. You tell me; it's about time. Marami na akong commitments--marami nang umaasa sa akin. Time runs out, even for forgiveness. You just taught me to clarify and not just organize my life now. How I love you Lord for speaking the truth to me. How I love you for clearing out things for me.

Sana hindi lang ito ngayon. Nawa'y magtagal at magtuloy-tuloy na. Ayoko nag ma-miss pa mga usapan natin. Salamat sa never-ending concern and unconditional love.

I LOVE YOU.

Filed @ 07:38 AM in The Letters, Book Of The Yahn

January 4, 2010

2009 Recollection

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2009--my 20th year here on earth. It is the year many lessons are learned. And so, let me chronicle the various lessons learned in the past year.

Lesson No. 1: There should always be a plan B. I could almost perfect the time management skills I need to survive--and excel. Except that I do not have a back up plan for all initial plans. The plan B, the worst case scenario, the alternative. Things always got worse before they get better. The night is darkest just before the dawn. And of course, none of us can really control our circumstances. Only God gets to fully accomplish his to-do list.

Lesson No. 2: You always have a choice. The power of the mind is what separates us human beings from all other creatures of God. Even being passive is a choice that we make--to voluntarily feel indifference. We are all given options, and we all have that powerful tool to help us decide what we want to do, what we want to happen, what we want for ourselves. We do help God in creating our own realities.

Lesson No. 3: Some people just need someone to talk to. It doesn't mean they love you. It doesn't mean they don't like you. They are just maximizing their social capabilities. They just seem too friendly, and that's that. Enough said.

Lesson No. 4: Friends are indeed strangers that our hearts are fond of.

Lesson No. 5: Discipline can bring in the money; spontaneity does bring in the smiles.

Lesson No. 6: Alcohol is an unhealthy social lubricant. Yet it is good. Still, it is not a necessity to have people come together and meet their social needs. Our natural tools of conversation should be enough.

Lesson No. 7: I am a social being, and I do need someone to share my life with.

Lesson No. 8: It's all a matter of perspective! Either I choose to be a victim of the world, or be an adventurer in search of my own treasure.

Lesson No. 9: Never, ever, not for once, for any circumstance, expect. Unless your heart is well prepared to take the fall--or rather fall.

Lesson No. 10: Tears keep us in touch with our emotions. A very valuable lesson I have learned last year. I truly treasure this one. For the record, 2009 was the year I felt the most intense emotions I have ever felt in my 20 years of existence. The heart cannot truly be controlled.

Lesson No. 11: Take risks, but know your limits. That's why you got your brain. To think things over. To consider your options. To foresee the consequences. To avoid the regrets.

Lesson No. 12: No regrets. Everything happens for a reason. And it's our choice to make everything worthwhile. This I've learned from an amazing friend of mine. Thanks to her much more optimist outlook in life, strong personality, and very powerful words.

Lesson No. 13: MOVE ON. Life does not pause or even stop for anyone.

And the year is just as filled as well with songs. Lots of them in fact, both old and new. Here are the memorable lines I couldn't get enough of last 2009.

Some call it arrogant, I call it confident. -Ego, Beyonce

Promise I'll be kind, but I won't stop until the boy is mine. -Paparazzi, Lady GaGa

A sinister romantic, he's on his knees before he's on his feet. -Shakespeare in Love, Layla Kaylif

Everybody's out to love. -Accidentally In Love, Counting Crows

I hope to God I figure out what's wrong. -I Loved You All Along, Our Lady of Peace

Tigilan na ang drama. Punasan na ang luha. -Tumatakbo, Mojofly

Nothing can ever come between us. -Jai Ho, Pussycat Dolls

Love... come save me. -Love, Save the Empty, Erin McCarley

I'm not the easiest person to love... yet you choose to be on the side of me. -On the Side of Me, Corinne May

Three letters took him to his final resting place. -Waterfalls, TLC

They paved paradise to put up a parking lot. -Big Yellow Taxi, Counting Crows

Why did it take me so long just to find the friend that was there all along? -Picture of You, Boyzone

Sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive. -Love Hurts, Incubus

And if you choose to stay with me, I'll spend my life with you. -If, Rivermaya

Thursday doesn't even start, it's Friday I'm in love. -Friday I'm in Love, The Cure

Just get back up when it knocks you down. -Knock You Down, Keri Hilson

And it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had. -Best I Ever Had, Vertical Horizon

Hindi sinasadya na hanapin pa ang lugar ko. -Migraine, Moonstar88

So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you?" -I Miss You, Incubus

Cause when I think of you, I don't feel so alone. -Vanilla Twilight, Owl City

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. -Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Lord knows it would be the last time. -Please Let Me Get What I Want, The Smiths

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home. -Broken, Lifehouse

If it doesn't break your heart then it isn't love. -Yet , Switchfoot

This could be the end of everything so why don't we go somewhere only we know. -Somewhere Only We Know, Keane

He says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why. -Everything You Want, Vertical Horizon

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. -Closing Time, Semisonic

Whoever said it's impossible to miss what you never had? -Almost, Tamia

Mama Mia, here we go again... -Mama Mia, Abba

Should I come back and try to graduate? -Photograph, Nickelback

I swear you've got me all wrong. -As Lovers Go, Dashboard Confessional

When a heart breaks, no it don't break even. -Break Even, The Script

And we try to be faithful, but we cheat and cheat and cheat. -Hero, Regina Spektor

And how do you know when to let go? -Where Does The Good Go, Tegan and Sara

You can have it if you want it anyway. -This Is Not A Test, She & Him

Hindi malilimutan ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo, magpakailanman. -Magpakailanman, Rocksteddy

To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine. -There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, The Smiths

Ignorance is kind; there's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you find. -Careless Whisper, Tamia

Why the hell it means so much to me? -Suddenly I See, from the movie The Devil Wears Prada

I would like you for my own. -Why Do You Let Me Stay Here, She & Him

Because the power is not mine. I'm just gonna let it fly. -What Can I Do, The Corrs

I want your love, I don't wanna be friends. -Bad Romance, Lady GaGa

That's it for me, now. Resolutions up next!

Filed @ 08:57 PM in Book Of The Yahn

January 3, 2010

The Boarder

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Right now I can hear from this room upstairs the pitiful roar of our new boarder downstairs. Looks like he got into a petty fight again with my sister, with regards to some property miscommunications.

Yes, there is a new man at home, and he'll be staying here only until tonight. He has big black eyes; has pouting, kissable lips; has very fine, silky complexion; and has a mix of subtle playfulness and strikingly lovely smile.

And he happens to be below two feet.

Santino, our cousin, is our adoptee for the time being. Last summer were my nephew and his sister. Biboy and Fhiona only got to our senses when they're awake and bugging us, and most especially when they fight. But Sonny boy here is different. He is only about two years old, and surely does have much more tricks up his sleeves. He has been able to quite paralyze the whole family for taking care of him, with all the cute and mischievous things he do, i.e. baby talks.

Kids are indeed very lovely. Or at least being one. I look at him from an inch-distance and notice his healthy, smooth skin. My father and I watch him sleep from a distance and just envy his spontaneity. He observed how carefree the kid's life is: eat and sleep, eat and sleep, eat and sleep. The cycle continues over and over--until, of course, he becomes old enough to think for himself.

Ang sarap nga naman maging bata. Not a single care in the world. Freedom of expressing yourself. Catching just about everyone's attention. Especially in a family like ours that hasn't taken care of one for more than a decade now.

My bottom line here is that I miss being a kid--that young. I miss the carefree living, other people thinking and meeting your needs, doing as you wish, expressing yourself without hesitation. Being a kid does have its perks.

Well, we've all gone there, right? Been there, done that. We may have little memory of our childhood, or maybe even none for such young age of two or three. But we all grow up eventually; we all get past that stage sooner or later. The good news isn't in knowing that we all go through the same phase. Rather, I am thankful that one GOES through such phase; that indeed we've BEEN THERE, done that. Again, at least it happened right?

Make the most of your youth, as they said. You'll never know when you'll mature and realize your limits that weren't really there in the first place.

Filed @ 12:01 AM in Book Of The Yahn

January 2, 2010

At Least

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At least I have an idea now of what's "happier."

Last week you were with me. You told me all those things that I both dreaded and wondered at the same time. You said things that I always thought you wouldn't have the courage to speak to me about. All the pent up emotions, released at long last. Like the Mayon Volcano that has been quiet for quite some time, only now releasing the tension within, kept up for the whole time. You made me smile, just like you always make me feel happy before. I couldn't exactly fathom the expression in your face.

Yes, you have been indeed with me. Even just in my dreams.

This has been the case for quite some weeks now. I had to force myself to not think of you. At first it was exhausting. Of course! The process is like trying to breathe again voluntarily, when you used to do it involuntarily. Awareness of every effort made in surviving is actually tiresome. It's just like forcing your mind to think that you need to have a life, when you already are living. In other words, thinking of what you're already doing--like having to translate those actions into words to make sense.

In the daytime, it has become easier and easier to put my mind off you. Many errands and tasks are helping me a whole lot in distracting myself and focusing on much better things, i.e. myself. But come nightfall, insomnia comes crashing into me once I hit the sack. Unlike last November, the tears no longer come easy at night. Then again, they still do. Once in a while. Once in a blue moon.

Last week, I wondered what you have been up to: how you're doing this Christmas, this holiday season, this year? December is such a lovely time, a favorite season of mine, next to January-February, when you get to stand under the scorching noon sun, and still need to cover up with sweaters and jackets due to the cool breeze, without having to worry about the sky crying. I just began to realize then: how on earth can I manage to forget you in this time of the year, when it's just about the same time I met you? How do I move on if just about everything keeps on reminding me of you? And how can I not be reminded with all the dates passing us by, plus that common building where we met that I now have to spend my next two years studying in? Why did I have to meet you in such a lovely time, at such a memorable place?

This week, I haven't been wondering about you. Except of course at night, when it's a tad more difficult to concentrate while at the same time relaxing your mind and body for a good night sleep. You had not entered my thoughts in the midst of my day, at random time and place. I was fully focused on maximizing my planner, my time, my life. And then you texted me.

On the 24th, I wondered what I could reply to you if you ever greeted me a "Merry Christmas." Last year I even recalled if you did greet, to make sure that it would indeed be a surprise for you to greet anyone, even me. I recall that you didn't, and so I shrugged off the idea, reminding myself of my plans to move on. I know I shouldn't be bothered by you, knowing I am in the process of forgetting--not you, but the idea of liking you. Also, I shouldn't be bothered of what's not yet around--I'll think of that reply once that text has come.

Indeed you did not greet. Until today. Greeting a "Happy New Year" instead of my expected "Merry Christmas." And just what did I do? Nothing. I thought I would reply, but this afternoon, I couldn't think of a reply, one that would create a conversation, that would string me to you all over again and throw away my efforts of moving on. So I kept your message instead. Knowing fully well that one day, sooner or later, I would be deleting it, and I would be completely over my denied emotions. One day, one day.

One night, you visited my memories once more. But before you came into the picture, I was able to tell myself--without hesitation and without a doubt: I am happy. I was wrestling with myself what it would be like to be happy because of a person, of an inspiration, of an SS or someone special. A deep sigh of relief then came upon me, with the realization that I do not have to wonder no more; I already have an idea. Been there, done that. No regrets. I may not have gotten you, but at least I did get what I really wanted: a happier memory.

This I tell you, for the first time, I have recalled you with a smile on my face.

Progress? I sure hope so.

Slowly, but surely, I truly am learning my lesson. I am maturing! The good memoirs I will treasure, the bad ones I will burn to death. I do not have to cast off the crazy thing they label as "love" just because of a lost one. It maybe the past, but it definitely has been a good one. You will always be a sweet memory that I will often remember.

I have taken the risk--of admitting, of falling. I may not have won and become happier. But at least, even as I've lost [you], I've gained wisdom.

Filed @ 04:29 PM in The Letters, Book Of The Yahn