Entries for February, 2007
February 3rd, 2007
Month Starter
// The following has been written today, but in a different time, using the notepad in my laptop.A spur of the moment blog entry for the day.
Well, will you look at the time now. My laptop clock here reads 1.45am. In case you haven't heard, I'm not very used to sleeping early. In other words, I'm the exact opposite of what I just said--meaning I am very used to sleeping very early in the morning. And I do hope you get my point there.
I'm not sleepy. Nope, not yet. But I also have no idea why on earth I write such things. Oh, anyway. Enough of the crap now. Let me proceed with my blog writing, shall I?
I never intended to write anything at all--even for such hour. Supposedly, I'm home now. But here I am in our dorm--wasting precious sleep hours typing words I don't even know how I could fit them together to create just one sensible sentence that would sum up everything. What on earth is wrong with me?
Ok, so I have no organization here. I understand that. Hey, guess what? It's our friend's upcoming debut on the 15th. She's having a theme party on the 17th. Whoa, so excited. XD And here's another update for you: our two pasaway Mapuan friends are now taken. Whoa. Two ladies grabbed in just a month. C'mon! XD
Well, I guess I always do this, as in any other blog entry of mine. I ask myself, why on earth am I right here, typing away my thoughts? What do I have to say that I can't wait to get my hands on a desktop computer with internet connection? Is it that important?
I should blame it to hormones, eh? I feel like I'm having this hormonal imbalance. There's just too much release of hormones in my body that I feel all mixed emotions that I don't know which one I should really feel. XD Poor girl, eh? Maybe so, maybe not. Our teacher tells us that it's normal for girls to have these hormonal imbalance--and such usually occur when our period's coming. Mmm, I just remembered that my expected monthly visitor should've been here the other day. But what? Today's Saturday already, and nothing's coming around yet. Wah, I hate being surprised by this visitor. Amp.
On a lighter note, I've been thinking alot lately if I'm gonna continue that story of mine the last time I posted or not. How long has it been--like two weeks? But already, alot has happened. On the earlier week, the very week right after my birthday, I've been quite down. Mmm, mixed emotions I guess. I just can't seem to figure out what I'm doing, what I'll be doing, what... ever. Temptation, lust, love (eh?), infatuation, platonic, relationship. Whatever!
For a whole week, I've been losing my concentration. Not only that, there was a certain day that I got slapped right in the face once again by my teacher. Well, of course not literally, but figuratively! I pissed him off once again, and right then and there in our class, he simply ridiculed me. Something like that--you can just imagine my shame, being almost kicked right out of the class on the spot. XD I was in so much bad mood then. Even on the past weekend, that's what's been bugging me. When I remember that teacher of mine, I'm so ashamed I wish I dropped the course. But now, all's fine now. I only saw him once this week since we have this data gathering break, and that very one time I saw him, he didn't seem to remember me as anything like the most annoying girl on earth. XD Besides, I've learned my lesson. C'mon!
Let me get back to that losing concentration part, ok? I'm not having insomnia, like I can't sleep 'cause I'm thinking of something [or like that I told Rio, someone
]. But during class, I can't seem to focus my attention on the lesson. Nothing seems to enter my mind. All sounds enter through my right ear, passes through my face [not my brain or even head], and goes right out on my left. My eyes see all the examples and notes. I try to look closely and understand, but my mind's adrift, and I can't seem to comprehend anything at all.Now I remember all those bloopers--all those blank moments. Thank goodness I remember all of them--I remember that they all happened already, that they're past already. Thank God I'm through with them. Thank God, most of all, I've survived and managed to get out of there. Thank God it's all over now! ^_^
This week has been better than any. I think so.
I'm enlightened, I feel light, and I'm happier. Last week we had a quiz in Math. Just imagine my headache when I can't concentrate, and then comes this test. What am I to answer, I asked myself! Anyway, our teacher returned our quizzes. Guess what? I almost got it perfect! Weeh! So cool. XD My perfect score [hahaha! XD] deducted only two points, since our good, beloved teacher always gives partial points. Well, thank God for the partial points--those are what keep us alive in this nose-bleeding subject. XDOk, so, any event update? Of course.
We had a field trip last Sunday! Weeh! So happy! Just as I thought, it was our bonding moment. Though nothing compares to what I had last sem with C2, Nikki and everyone else. Well, at least I finally met and knew who my classmates are. XD I even met a fellow YFC. Wow! Thank God for that field trip, or else I would never have realized that I have a fellow YFC friend in the room. Actually, I know someone else who's also YFC, though he's delinquent and he doesn't attend that class of ours.Besides the bonding, mushy moments, the field trip itself was fun as well. We went to Subic! Weeh! So cool to go up north. It's only through these trips that I get to experience what's beyond the National Capital Region. XD We went to Ocean Adventure, the highlight of our trip, where we spent almost all our time and energy and camera memories and batteries. The dolphins, whales and sea lions were so cool. They were all so cute.
I wish I could go back there with my family--and then we'll swim instead of just watch! Haha! I already invited mom and dad to go there. Though I think I forgot to warn them that it's utterly expensive--the vacation would cost thousands. But I already know that dad can afford it, and he'd be willing to pay the price. XD
Before I leave, before I end this, before I finally decide to sleep [it reads 2.28am in my laptop already. :O], there's something more I have to share. But it's not very... uh... whatever! It's just chorva hahaha. XD
Last week, I think for the first time this year, I wore my orange mini short-skirts to campus. I saw this friend of mine, then he told me, "Uy, babae ka na ngayon. [Hey, you're a girl now.]" What the?! Grrrr. XC
But then again, it was funny. They now tease me for such. Duh! I'm gonna punch them one by one if I just can! Here's just the thing: I'm gonna wear once again my collection of mini short-skirts. I kind of miss them now. Now I know I look better in such than maong pants. Oh yeah haha.
PS: After 10 years, I finally got my copy of grades. Weeh! So happy. Didn't realize I'd get such high points in subjects that I didn't even have the intention to attend to. XD Anyway, just felt disappointed with that Math. Tsktsk. Could've done better, could've been in that prestigious list. Oh well. Will just have to do better this sem. I know I can do it. Just pray for me.
listen Christian Songs
read The Bible
yahn @ 05:55 PM | Book Of The Yahn [2 comment/s]
February 15th, 2007
Wasted
Why do I feel this way when I know you have someoneAfter some time of denial, laziness and a bit of uneasiness, I've finally come to terms with what's really going on with me.
That you're seeing each and everyday
Should I play this game of just being your friend
When I know it's not where I want it to end...
I'm facing defeat now. Since yesterday night. Finally faced my own darn self for the first time in weeks.
I am so wasted.
At least I do feel so.
For the first time since our escapade, I drank. It was light. Not a big deal. So I drank a bottle, and then that was it. My blocmate, who happens to be so drunk that night, was even sharing to me his drink. But I knew perfectly that a bottle of light ain't enough for him. He was just trying to be polite and all. Anyway, I refused the offer. I don't wanna drink any longer then. I can still take a few more shots, sure. Everything was spinning already, but I can still carry myself with poise. I still acted pretty cool--at least I think I did so.
But I didn't give in to the offer. Guess it takes discipline to do so.The real problem is this: now I'm craving for more. Ugh. XC Already I'm looking forward to some semi-heavy session with my good ol' friends. Boohoo. Why is it always like this? Is it because I haven't had enough?
Oh well, I guess the real question would be: why would I feel this guilty? Maybe because of my vow to God. I wasn't faithful. On my debut, we didn't drink. I thought I was so fired up to struggle with an alcohol-free life for the rest of my life. But I realized I was wrong. In just a split second of decision, I broke the promise I thought I am so willing to keep.
That's the great lesson of temptation for me. Been reading my bible lately, and encountered in Matthew the passage about temptation. In the weeks that passed, repeating this verse has been effective to me. It did me good somehow. Jesus said to his disciples: Keep watch and pray that you won't fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
So, you see, this drinking issue goes way deeper than just my mere decision to drink. It all goes way back to this emotional chaos inside. Having been both depressed and happy at the same time [how odd was that?] confused me and made me so vulnerable to tempatation. In which case, I eventually gave in.
Afraid to admit some more, I simply did drink for the sake of being happy in such a happy season: the season of love. So it was Valentine's day the other day. Yeah, yeah, like so what. Guess what? I envy my friends. Haha. Yeah they have dates. They have problems with their dates, their dates didn't meet their standard and stuffs. But at least they're together. They're attached. Simply that.
And to keep me from drowning in my sorrowful jealousy with my friends, I went out with other singles--new acquiantances and friends in fact. I don't even know them! Haha.
Anyway, we had some great time wasting our time drinking fatty drinks and chatting nonsense heartfelt emotions and reminiscing the good and bad ol' days that passed. Oh, if you only heard my blocmate's fascinating story of heartbreak back in high school. He is so unbelievable. Well, at least I learned more about my friend. I realized the other side of his personality. Can you believe it, he has some hidden personality, eh? XD
Two hours of session--them resolving their high school friendship problem, and us chatting past stuffs. Or perhaps only him opening his self up to me. Duh. And I guess I was that close to admitting and confessing myself. Not just to some other people, but to myself as well. Thank God whatever crossed my mind never surfaced in my actions. Some things are indeed better left unsaid and actions left undone.
By one in the morning, I was back in our dorm. Dizzy, yet still up on my feet.
Anyway, things didn't always start out badly as one thought it would be. The 14th of my February this year is not really bad at all. But I do admit that it has been one of the longest day I ever had. I never thought that I would wake up as early as 8 in the morning, only to sleep just as early as 4am. LB sleep times--too early for me not to get used to. Indeed, we are night owls--immune to insomnia. XD
Supposedly, I should've been home afternoon of the 14th. But then my Math teacher made plans of her own [as if she had no reason and right as our teacher XD] and she ruined everything for me! But I'm not that mad though. So we did have class in that excruciating last hour of my day. She announced it the day before, Tuesday the 13th [a dreaded day--from now on. Grrr...]. Technically, I had to cancel my date with Loy, the day we're supposed to buy Maxine a gift.
Then on the 14th, I was already preparing early in the morning my departure from LB. I was supposed to get out of town right after the dreaded Math. But then, people--particularly dorm mates and blocmates [and add to that so-called blocmates]--invited me to enjoy the Feb Fair [with them of course ^-^]--a week long Foundation Week celebration of our university.
Guess what? I was convinced. I realized then, upon reading and reflecting over their invititation that indeed, this fair would last only 5 days. 2 days already lapsed. And this might be the only chance that I'll get to go and enjoy my college days. Don't want to miss out on all the fun, plus I don't wanna regret in the end my laziness.
So, right after Math, didn't go back in my dorm anymore. I simply went with my blocmate to their open house, chowed on snacks and eventually got more acquianted with their dorm mates [plus the so-called blocmates :lol:].
Then by 7, we had dinner. As usual, in this li'l food court right beside their dorm, which serves cheap food but good-tasting ones [well, at least they do have a taste for me--instead of plain bland. XD].
Afterwards, I had to go on separate ways, and I met with my dorm mates. We went to this booth that served free coffee, 'cause a classmate of mine invited us earlier that day. Man, they never put sugar in their coffee! They are so darn cheap. XD But I have to admit, I did like the taste of it [it was strong, I'm telling you!]. It tasted good with the sweet cookies/biscuits they served us.
Then, had a hard time getting our way out of the park, to a more classy place outside the campus: Coffee Blends. Coffee--again? Nah. Didn't spend a dime there. My two room mates did, but I didn't. So darn full yet to be eating again. Besides, I already knew I have to prepare myself for some heavy session later that night. XD
Bonding time, interrogation and scadalous moments occured and lasted for more than an hour. Afterwards, they decided to go back to the fair for some wall climbing adventure. XD I was eager to come, but then I was also needed in the session that was to begin already [c'mon. XD]. So we parted ways once again, and I searched through the jungle for the b-mates [blocmates, aka b**rmates. XD]. T'was already 11pm then.
By 1am, the session closed 'cause of that blocmate of mine who insisted on taking me home already. [Yes, that one blocmate who already had 1 bottle of MP, a bottle of pil, and 2 more for a light. San ka pa? XD] I didn't want to go yet, but everyone else was willing, so I eventually agreed, and we all went. XD
In the dorm, my mind is still spinning as I walked in and sat with my dorm mates as they discussed politics and stuff in the lobby. I got myself up eventually--feeling so dirty already with the clothes I've worn the whole day already. Changed clothes and stuff, and then decided to go back down. Not feeling even a bit drowsy yet. XD
Talked about politics, Y-Speak, fraternities, businesses, intelligence and stuff. By the way, watch Y-Speak! They shot in our park last Monday, and they had a really hot issue that they are to air it two-parts. So, yeah, watch Tri. XD Going back to what I was saying, we chatted until 3am. Afterwards, they felt sleepy already. I was left still on high. Nevertheless, I still went back to my room. Thinking I'm sober already, I tried to read my bible. Darn, wrong move. Tsktsk. Then did stuff I don't exactly remember now [like walking around and preparing to leave]. And I finally got to my senses that I need sleep by 4am. ^-^
Then, 8am yesterday, I woke up--still feeling the hang over weighed on me. XD And stuffs happened earlier today, rather yesterday. But who cares about those things? Let's move on to the next episode, shall we? XD
The closer I get to youWould you believe? I've been having trouble remembering the tone of this song. I have always associated it with Sugarfree's Kung Ayaw mo na Sa Akin. [no, not that one above, this one next. XD] Oh well, hope I'll remember the tone now. I wanna have a copy of this one in my laptop. XD
The more you make me see
By giving me all you got
Your love has captured me
Over and over again
I tried to tell myself that we can never be more than friends...
Sana wag mo kong sisihin kung di ko kayang pigilin
Sabi mo na mahal mo ko ngunit di naman seryoso
Sana ay magkasingkulay ang drama at tunay na buhay ko
Ang tanging pag-asa ko...
Ay nasa tambalang ito
On a final note. God, I am so exhausted over the past couple of weeks. Indeed, there never was a time that I was doing nothing. Something's always up and I have to be active and move alot.
Man, I don't really hate this. I guess I'm just complaining now 'cause they're all piling up and I'm so overwhelmed by all this. Yeah, back then I was a bum and I assure you that I don't wanna go back to those unproductive days. But now, I guess I pushed myself to the limit. I wanna rest for some time. *sigh*
Exhausted plus wasted. Now, what? It all amounts to depression? Or maybe depression is just kicking in, and so the resulting value is stress. Tsktsk. I just wanna be alive Lord.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. ~Proverbs 4:23
mood exhausted
listen MYMP's The Closer I Get to You
yahn @ 11:51 PM | Book Of The Yahn [2 comment/s]
February 24th, 2007
I Can't Seem to Tell You Why...
An excerpt of my June 19, 2004 post in my old blog.i was actually in the mall with my bhezzie.. together with this really cute guy that i never really had a crush with until i just realized that i'm completely falling for him!! well.. i fell for his simple personality which is very friendly and a complete gentleman.. other than that.. he's a real cutie that anybody can fall for.. in the mall.. mr. cute guy and me were always together and he even bought me an ice cream that he was eating that moment!! well actually.. he could have never given me such ice cream if i didn't ask him to buy me one.. that moment i didn't have a crush on him.. but when we parted and i went to my bhezzie.. i just told her that i have a crush on him!! in my dream too.. mr. cutie and i were really close friends.. just like best friends.. after telling my bhezzie that sorta thing.. mom just woke me up!!Last night, I was busy browsing over my past diary entries--those that are stored in my laptop of course. The only reason I browsed through such files is because I was hunting for some inspiration for our LTS 1 assignment. We were asked last, last week--yes, the week before Valentine's--to write our own booklet. Since it's mini, and it's intended for kids, it ought to be short and light so it's appealing to the target readers.
And, what are the odds that as I browse through my past blog/journal entries for some inspiration of my booklet/assignment--I would come across such memory from back then. I don't even remember that dream anymore! XD
Well, thanks to documentation, the idea of writing and publishing, the blog world--all the memories are saved. Though not in my mind that happens to be so forgetful, but at least in writing.
Anyway, going back to the above dream mentioned, upon reading those lines last night, I was bothered. Yeah, I was kind of bothered. My mind got to thinking about speculations and wonders.
What is freakin' wrong with me?
I believe I'm trying to speculate things out here--relating with all efforts my dreams to what's happened to me over the past month. I am like so desperate in justifying myself here, proving what I've always wondered about for a long time: that my silly, yet realistic dreams are for real.
I am such a faker. That I must admit. Bhez, mana talaga ko sa'yo. XD I thought I've already disciplined myself to stop talking, or even writing about him. Well, I was already thinking ahead that when the time comes that I'll go reminisce over things like this again [like reading my old blog entries], I don't wanna go remember him. Now, I wonder why I wouldn't want to remember so. Mmm, guess I'll be just freakin' embarassed of what I've been up to. XD
Well, actually, it's not just about reminiscing. Perhaps the bottomline is that I don't wanna admit anything--at all. I don't. I keep on denying, and I've persistently done so the same thing from the very night before my birthday up until now.
I could enumerate a thousand reasons here why on earth I'm not supposed to fall--including the idea that he's not cute and he's not my type [at all!]. But then again, I guess it's just already there. I'm already into this mess, what else can I do now? I'm sure I'll be out of this rot sooner or later. Believe me. For sure, this is just an imbalance of hormones. May ganung factor ha?
Anyway, I don't know what else to add. Or what else is left to say. Indeed, I have a lot of stories here stuck inside waiting to be released through my fingertips--all trying to get their way out of my mind. Then again, how do I begin? It's too disorganized to let it just all flow out. So, what do I do now?
I guess I'll just have to break away from the subject matter for a while. Now, let me just freely narrate what happened while I was gone. ^-^
My dear friend celebrated her debut last weekend. Wow, so fun. XD I tried to well her eyes of tears with my speech-slash-impromptu. I can't tell if I succeeded 'cause I was the one who actually cried, though not that much. XD
Anyway, I am so overwhelmed with the 80's get up I bought the night. Bhez and I actually rushed our costumes. XD Guess what? I only happen to realize and visualize what I'm gonna wear for the debut just about an hour or two before the mall closing! We were so much in a rush then. Bhez was already joking me already as I tried on different outfits, "Bhez, sarado na cashier. Kita mo naman naka-calculator na lang sila."
I thought we were gonna get drunk the whole morning. But then again, we didn't. We immediately packed up and went home 'cause the venue had a strict curfew. How about that? But the thing is, I'm just thankful that the session didn't proceed as I anticipated it. It's always like this: I drink, long for more, and when the opportunity's there, I'll pass up on it, and eventually the longing feeling goes away. Let it all pass away, 'cause we know it's only temporary. *sigh*
OK, so I got no more stories here about the past week. I think I'm gonna go back to "him" that I was talking about.
Screw it. Who cares now? Whatever you wanna say, this is just my stand--this is the only thing I'm sure of that I can proudly admit: I like his company.
In the past weeks, I've been wondering to myself how long this will last. This friendship. Bitter as it may sound, I know it's only for this sem--only until March. Perhaps by summer, we'd already forgotten about each other [whoa, that's exaggerated XD] or maybe when I see him again, we'd just smile at one another and that's it.
In truth, there are alot of ways for us to meet even without that class. We go in the same university, we attend the same church. We are in the same college, hello! And, true, we have alot of subjects in common. We'd eventually meet, that's for sure.
But, those aren't enough reasons for me to hope against hope--to daydream and imagine.
Anyway, as I wondered about the "how long", I concluded then that I shouldn't bother myself of the future--the future that's less than a month away now. The present is what matters most. I should just treasure the moment. And since then, the thought never left me. The idea became the basis of what's been happening: treasuring every moment given.
I remember that night we had dinner: me, he, and his blocmate--the blocmate whom I happen to like and I've been dying to meet. XD When he talked to me, I've already been hoping that he will introduce me to his blocmate, and we'd finally get to know each other. Haha. Funny that that night, I wanted to sit beside the blocmate, but he ended up sitting beside me ['cause he's the one arrogant enough to sit beside me--OK, exaggeration over there XD]. Funny too that I've wanted to talk alot with the blocmate, who happens to be really quiet, and instead I ended up enjoying my conversations with him. Who would have thought things would change this way?
Anyway, I just wanna close this with another pattern I've discovered. I've just noticed that in these months--January to March--these are the times that I happen to giggle alot and lose my concentration.
Mmm, that only thing that leaves me hanging now is what happens next after this sem. By the way, the sem is already ending now. Only four weeks to go, and we're off for another hot summer vacation once again.
There's just too many things to think over. Why don't I pass first all the requirements [particularly that darn Eng 2], and finish with flying colors the final exams--and after all the academic load has been unloaded, then I'd worry about other stuffs? ^-^
The closer I get to you the more you make me see// I am too overwhelmed that I don't even know what to feel now.
By giving me all you've got
Your love has captured me
PS: My room mate commented about the usual questions of teachers on the first day of class, for example: "What do you expect in this class?" And guess what kind of answer popped in my mind? "I expect that in this class, I might fall in love." Yuck mushy! XD Last sem it was History 1. What about next sem? I wonder what subject it would be. ^^,
listen My Playlist of :heart: Songs :o
yahn @ 12:02 AM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]