Entries for March, 2007
March 2nd, 2007
The Hate Letter [Really?]
Here's a letter I posted in a yUPieLBi thread.I wish things would go back to the way they used to be. I wish you've never been that annoying, just like my sister, who won't stop bugging me. I wish you never called me by my name--never noticed me and asked me to cheat.
But what I do wish the most is that we never went out together and ate dinner that night. Yeah, three should be a crowd, and it shouldn't have been any problem to me. But with such shyness and speechlessness of that blocmate of yours [I only realized that night that you two were blocmates--I thought you two were of different courses. XD], it so seemed as if there's only the two of us in the table.
Would you actually believe? Even from the first sem, I've been aiming for your blocmate. I've been dying to meet him. It was such a relief to know he's our batchmate. It was even greater joy for me to know that you--my pain-in-the-ass, asshole seatmate--turned out to be his close friend.
And that night before my debut was supposed to be one of my happiest. Indeed, it was happy. But guess what? I thought it would be happy for, after so many weeks of patiently waiting, I finally met your blocmate. With a li'l introduction thanks to you, we finally recognized one another's existence. I finally made myself known to him!
Yet here's the thing: I wasn't as happy thinking about that. What kept me giggling the whole night until the clock ticked midnight... was you.
Damn it! What's with you anyway? Nothing. Not handsome, not a complete genius, not very exceptional in music [no!!!], and definitely not my type!
Plain nothing. But your sweetness.
I just wish I never noticed anything at all.
And the thing I hate the most? I am so damn enjoying your company every single minute.
Ganito lang naman nababagay na banat nya:
Pwede bang tabi tayo pag exams? Kasi I feel perfect when I'm with you.
Lang ya, mangongopya na lang oh.
mood crappy
yahn @ 10:11 PM [2 comment/s]
March 3rd, 2007
Yahn: Reborn
Yes, I have a new hair cut. Not good, not bad as well. Plain something new. Totally new, I'm telling you.
Damn it. I got nothing to talk about here but him. Damn.
Anyhow, tomorrow I'm going to this debut party of our high school schoolmate. She's a close friend of Bhez. I haven't even told yet my parents about it. So, I'm not very sure I'll be there. Well, hopefully I'll be. I don't wanna miss out the booze--my soul purpose for attending.
Di kita pipilitinSomehow, I do have something to blog about other than him. It's my good ol' friend. I do care, really. But the way I'm gonna speak now, the way I'm writing, would be critical, and perhaps harsh.
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
At hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin
The other day, I sent her a message. I don't know why I had to text her that 7-page long sermon, but I thought in the end, "What the heck?! The pain's definitely worth it anyway." So I hit the send button.
Yeah, it was that long. She didn't immediately read the whole thing since the message was sent part by part. But when it was finally complete, she told me that she couldn't bear to read it.
The following day, she texted again and said that she's finally ready to read. But she was just beginning to read when she asked her good school mate to read the rest for her. She listened, of course, and apologized to us. What's in the text anyway?
Well, the last group message that I received from her is what trigerred my tiny, ineffectual fingers to reply--after all the previous text messages she's been sending me over the past week. I have to admit though, I don't really know what on freakin' earth is happenin' to her or even her chorva. All that I was sure of is that she is so damn pouring her heart out to her first.
Reminder: I won't be loving for now. With the things in my mind, I can't possibly be loving--and I believe there's no way I can make it sound so loving/caring. All I can warn is that from beginning to end, I love my friend. Though not in tone, nor message, but at least mutually we know for each other.
Going back to that friggin' message. I guess I've just become so fed up with the never-ending problem at hand. Indeed, a friend should just plain listen and understand patiently. But enough with the patience already! It's about time I told her something right in her face. It's about time I cared and loved in a different manner.
I had to grab my phone and recall what I texted her just to freshen up my memory. Already, I've forgotten the bottomline of all the fuzz. Anyway, this is what my message was about. And I'm telling the same thing to those in need, since I'd love to help everyone anyway.
We all have our problems, right? Everyone carries his/her own burden. Some ask somebody else to carry his/her burder, while some offer their shoulders just to carry other's burden. Those are friends. Some burdens can be let go, but some of us refuse to do so. Some burdens are even heavy to carry, some are not. And sometimes, these heavy burdens don't just stop us from walking our journey, they also pull us down.
And there we go, deep into the pit of loneliness. Burdens drag us down there. But thank God for friends--helping hands who will give not only their shoulders, but will also stretch out their hands to pull us up.
Now the problem is when, after a long time, and much effort of pulling from friends, nothing happens: we're still there in the pit, nothing changed. In the long run, friends are all but mere human beings still, and eventually they grow tired of pulling and pulling. Sometimes, those friends under the sun aren't the only ones who should be exerting all the effort so that we could also see the sun. Even we, with so much burden, should strive to reach out--push ourselves to the limit and aim to be with our friends who are right above us.
I ask you: can you possibly, in any way, pull someone resisting the force you're exerting?
Another thing: don't let your emotions govern your actions. Don't let your deeds depend on what you feel as of the moment. Yeah, it's OK to feel happy, overwhelmed, sad, lonely, or whatever. It's not sin; it's human nature to have an emotion. But it takes great courage and discipline to deviate from these fluctuating moods and allow your mind to take over. It's not about "It feels good now." But rather, "What would it be like in the long run? Would it feel as good as now in a year or two? Or would I simply laugh it off by next week?"
The rest of the message was kind of personal already, so I won't mention them here any longer. But I find the last part to be the best that I've ever said.
Love is a decision, never an emotion. Love is when you choose to love even when you don't feel like it.
And it makes me wonder: Who will I choose?
And then this morning, I finally found a li'l more loving response to my friend: We love you, and so we want you to be just as happy as we are. We don't wanna leave you in the pit, while we run this race of life. We wanna win this race, and we're gonna reach the end altogether.
I don't know why I'm so hyped up these days. I have no idea why I think and act so bitchy nowadays. Perhaps hormones, eh? Maybe my period's coming up sometime soon. Yeah, that could be it. Well, whatever. I just want this sem to end. Even though it would mean no more Math36 class for me. [Damn, why did I have to say that? Damn.]
PS: Yey! Another perfect exam in Math! I'm definite now that I'll be included in that list I've been aiming for last sem! Well, I hope I also perfect the second part of the exam. Weeeh!
To everyone: I hope you don't take life too crappily [whatever that means]. I mean, don't make life so gloomy and angsty. Life is a mix of joy and pain, happiness and sadness. Try to blend in! Add spice once in a while for flavor! But of course, let the happy things outnumber the sad ones. And never forget to bring back God all the glory due His name.
Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from the side of Christ, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O Good Jesus, hear me
Within your wounds, hide me
Never permit me to be separated from You
From the wicked enemy, defend me
In the hour of death, call me and bid me to come to Thee,
That with Your saints I may praise You
For ever and ever. Amen.
mood indifferent
listen Sitti's Para Sa Akin
watch PBB Season 2
yahn @ 09:53 PM | Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [2 comment/s]
March 31st, 2007
The Reflection
Sometimes I wonder why people have to reflect. I sometimes even wonder why man discovered writing. But of course, I never find answers--not even a hint. And so it becomes life's mystery--like any other.Anyhow, I may ask and seek continuously, endlessly--and waste my life doing such. So, I choose to reflect and jot them down [or type them, if you like]. And once I look back, read them out of boredom or loneliness or nothingness, I just smile and thank God I've been through them all. I never fail to smile after even a minute of reminiscing. Smiling never fails to uplift my mood as well. No matter how fake it is.
[Reflections on the lousy 23rd of March, 2007. Originally typed in my N6680 mobile phone.]
God, I'm so tired today. What on earth is happening?
I feel as though I carry the world upon my shoulders. Even though I'm so free from the burder of my last exams for this semester, I remain restless. I've actually become gloomy just this night. Perhaps it's because I'm such a loner that I got nobody around to share my happiness for being liberated from the worries of this semester.
I hope the sem ends already, that it would pass by so quickly. Now another thought crosses as the sem ends. Already I'm missing him. OMG what did I just say? Why on earth?
Woe is me. T.T
I'm wishing that I'm hanging out with him tonight, just like before. I'll be honest with myself--particularly with my heart--even just this once. I'll have to brush off "the other" from myself even just for now. I must admit that I simply can't contain the overwhelming emotion bottled up inside since the year started. Add to that this depression I've been feeling.
I am so falling. I am so letting my heart take over the wheel. Yes, it's normal to feel this way. I've said it. Sometimes, it's much better to spread your wings and fly once in a while, rather than forever curl up in your cave, regretting the opportunities that you know you should've grabbed.
I realize that I'm such a fool for denying my heart the right to speak up. But then again, I'm much more a fool if I let it take over my actions. I rationally wouldn't risk my friendship for the sake of my heart's fluctuating desires. What good would it do me? Nothing. It definitely won't make me happy. But then again, perhaps it would bring joy to my heart even for just a while. But still! We both know that the heart's desires is only temporary, thus it wouldn't satisfy me that long. I'd rather wait patiently and trust in God's power for a much longer and definitely greater happiness.
Now, why have I come to say these things? What is this "other" I'm referring about earlier? Well, I guess I'm too into this romance novel by Paulo Coelho. It's a really short novel, but I loved it. All the while I've been reading it, a week that is, I've been thinking to myself, "God, I can relate!" Then again, why, God, did I just think of such? *sigh*
I really hate it when heart starts to contradict and oppose and and and hinder my mind from functioning right. I don't know how to put it, but I'm having trouble here with what my heart wants and my mind's plans. Should it always be like this--the heart contrasting the mind? The heart always having its own way, while the mind always the right way? The mind always being rational, and the heart irrational? The mind always in control, but the heart spontaneous and uncontrollable? The heart being selfish, the mind a martyr?
How on earth does the mind determine what's right or wrong anyway? I guess by the number of beneficiaries, how long these benefits last, and of course the benefits themselves. Perhaps that's when complexity enters with the question: who should really benefit in the first place? You, who make the decision, or others, who are miserable with their own lame lives that they chose to pick on other's?
Then again, as I've mentioned in my "bluff" critical paper in Asian History, it's all a matter of perspective. Morality is relative to an individual. What is moral and what's not anyway? I don't know. Because I. Don't. Care. Period.
Funny how careless I seem in that statement when I consider myself faithful and content. I wanna reiterate, though you might not understand me well, that these things are what my heart is shouting for. As of the moment, these are my heart's confessions. But then again, in a minute or two this heart of mine will switch footing and bounce back to being so on fire for God. And I've just come to realize that I never really allowed my heart to control my life. Maybe it's bad, sometimes it may be good. But whichever way, I'm just glad this is the choice I made: my head over my heart. Else, I wouldn't be this much of a lady I am today. Perhaps I'd be at my worst, or even worst, I'd be dead by now. (@_@)
Whoa. Why the long preaching there? I don't know. This is how my heart works--the way it vomits words: jumping from one topic to another without notice, throwing around words regardless of their sense, interpreting emotions and trying to lay down words that best describe them. What else do I have to write? Nothing. But still, you'd see that my heart screams for more. God, what else do I have to lay down? How much more should I blurt out? Damn it.
[End of ramblings. Phone memory full already.]
I'm not sure if I'd like to update. Just before our LTS 1 ended, our last assignment was to write a reflection paper. We were discussing what this "reflection" is and why on earth do it. And it hit on my passion for writing. I realized: why do I write anyway? Yes, for reflection. Examining what has happened to my life lately. It's like a weekly tune up for me. I've loved from the beginning the idea of documenting my life: the note-worthy events of my day, the great ideas of my mind, and of course the emotional desires of my heart.
And so, I have come to a decision of making my blog a little more reflective--making it more like a journal, rather than a web log per se.
Thus, I won't be updating now. Rather, I'd be reflecting. Not just about this week's or this month's happenings, but I choose to look back on the semester that has been. Perhaps it would be that long, that's why I limited it to only this sem. Some other time, perhaps, I'd jot down my reflections for the first academic year that has been--my freshman year as a college student. It's summer, anyway, and I happen to have lots of bum time to blog. I'd say I'd only be busy these first two weeks of the season. After that, hello internet world to me once again.
I apologize for ending this already. I know, I've just made my presence known--I just tapped in your blog list and said, "Hi, I'm still here!" Well, that's my purpose anyway for posting this. I could post these reflections any other time since it's saved in my laptop. But I chose to post it now, just before the month closes. Just before April kicks in, I'd like one last post for the month of commencement.
OK, I'm in so much word vomit already. Will type more details next time. That I promise. More word vomits to come, you're about to see. So prepare yourself. XD
LSS:
Tulad ng mundong hindi tumitigil sa pag-ikot
Pag-ibig di mapapagod
Tulad ng ilog na hindi tumitigil sa pag-agos
Pag-ibig di matatapos...
listen Callalily's Magbalik
read Paolo Coelho's By The River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept
watch Dr. Dolittle 2!
yahn @ 10:34 PM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]