Entries for May, 2008

May 1st, 2008

'If patience is a virtue, then I must be a very virtuous woman.'

I wait for him patiently.

And I wait eagerly for him.

I wonder every so often what he would be like. Would he be taller than I am, or as tall as I stand? Would he have long hair, short hair, or no hair at all? How dark or light would his skin tone be? Would his skin be soft and smooth from protecting himself; or rough and calloused from protecting me? I wonder if his teeth were healthy and complete--and perhaps he would take my breath away with just a smile. Or would he rather use his smile to lift me up from my burdens and reassure me that I am loved? What would be his ears, nose, lips be like? Would I pinch his ears sweetly just as I do with my mom's? Or would I love to wait faithfully for his lips to touch mine--until our wedding day?

I wonder if I will like him the first meeting. Would he be interested in me as well the first time we get introduced? Or would we consider each other friends at first, then growing closer to one another each day, eventually feeling a sense of romantic love in between? Would he be a super-best-friend of mine, to whom I could confide my secrets and desires, yet I myself wouldn't be compromised, nor would he? Will he also confide to me, and trust that his secrets are safe with me, that I won't use them against him, and he could expect the help I'm supposed to give him?

I wonder too if he is a Christian? Well, religion should be out of question, really. But then, I do hope that he is, and he would simply lead me closer to God--the way Joshua led Shannon, and Eric led Leslie. Or even if not, would he be a good man: a man of integrity and pure heart, generous in sharing everything he has, not holding back anything for himself? Perhaps he would be a very loving man: a faithful husband, a caring father, and a thoughtful relative.

I also wonder how the people surrounding us would react to our commitment. Would my friends be proud of me; would they be happy for me; would they love me all the more? Or would they despise me, envy me, or hate me for my choice of man? Well I do hope his friends and family not only accept our status, but also me as an individual. I won't let my weaknesses hinder me from winning them as friends, and neither would I let close their minds on me. I don't believe that others' opinion don't matter in a relationship. Yes, what matters most is that you two love one another. But the world does not revolve around the two of you alone. That would be selfish, right? And I hope he gets to see this perspective of mine.

Yet the ultimate question is: would he love me just as Jesus did?

But enough of the physical aspect, I'll let God paint his picture not in my skeptic mind, not also in my deceitful heart, but in the pages of history that is yet to come. I won't interfere as God molds him into His likeness--into a man strong and masculine enough to protect and love His precious princess that He ever so dearly loves; into a godly man of Christlike character who would lead me toward God instead of toward sin.

I wait for the Lord--patiently and eagerly. And until he comes, I'll trust in the Lord.

PS: Here's a song for you, my sweet lover.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true


yahn @ 01:59 PM | The Letters [3 comment/s]



May 11th, 2008

'What is the lesson here?'

'What have you learned along the way?' I'm always caught off-guard when asked this question. There are many things I am taking for granted--many experiences that I just let me pass by without evaluation as to how related it is to my life. I have always been like that: forgetting the bad ones not realizing that THERE IS A LESSON TO LEARN that should not be forgotten. In school, once I'm through with a subject and passed it, I leave it behind me and forget that such ever existed. Well, in college that wouldn't work, for everything that you go through is always related to one another, no matter what semester you take it.

I have learned that even after having passed a subject, whether you've aced it or sweat blood for it, the subject won't exactly stop haunting you--especially the majors. You would always go back to them. Sooner or later, you'd really have to master them. And I hate it when I look back that such subject was that easy that I could've gotten a flat one for it, only I had worked hard for it. In the same way, life is a series of experiences. And they keep on repeating, until the lesson is learned. And you'll always look back on them--on the lessons, not the experiences themselves.

I have learned that one should value relationships, especially the ones s/he trusts the most. Family and friends do matter--they're the most important and most priceless gift God has blessed us with [other than salvation, of course]. We need money to buy our food, the clothes we wear, for the rent of our shelter, etc. But it has been proven as well that we are able to live without food for days, wear the same clothes everyday [though that sounds stinky], even live without a permanent address. But there are real families and friends that you could run into for such necessities. And money cannot buy you the lessons you have to learn without going through necessary experiences yourself--family and friends could teach you them. What surrounded you when you were born? When you die? It's not your money, or anybody else's--it was your family and friends.

I have learned that the lessons life is teaching me don't give me more and even greater success. I live to learn so I could learn to live. Life experiences mold character in me--they incalcate values in me. Christ-like characters are the most important: love, sacrifice, service, generosity, perseverance, patience, understanding, wisdom, honesty. Virtues and values are just as important: respect, initiative, loyalty, excellence.

And I have learned, that SORRY is just a word. Kahit labas sa ilong, katanggap-tanggap ang sorry. Sorry is a single word, and it waits for nothing. Sorry is not a word to speak of for doing something wrong, but for hurting. When this truth is rooted in us, then sorry wouldn't be so hard to utter--and reconciliation will come easily. It's not admitting that you were wrong, it's admitting that you want the relationship back. Sorry is just a word, but it's more than enough.


mood accomplished
listen Touch My Body piano version
watch CSI Miami

yahn @ 02:57 PM | Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [3 comment/s]



May 18th, 2008

Bitter-Sweet

Last week, I had the nastiest bitter feeling. I felt so uneasy that I couldn't fathom doing anything right--and indeed I ended up drinking up for my bitterness and anger. I felt so bad inside that, just like how my good friend punched the wall until his fist was covered with his own blood, I wished I do the extreme and release the burning tension inside: scream my lungs to death, throw away with utmost force anything my hand could throw--even my own, expensive cell phone, and even put my life to risk.

And that's when the bitter-sweet ideas of mine come crawling back.

As I lay down to sleep with my ol' housemates in my ol' apartment, I regretted. I have become resentful. This isn't me, so not me--and yet it is so real, I am actually feeling these bitter, resentful, emotions. I can't help it, I couldn't get over the events that took place in my life. So this is how some people feel, eh?

I used to think that perhaps I am numb--that I have finally overcome my emotions and gained control over what I should and shouldn't feel. How stupid of me to believe that I am able to overcome my emotions and choose which ones to feel. No, that's not how it works. I am only human, and these emotions make me human. I cannot choose which emotions to feel or have, but I can cover them up. I can't cover them from everyone else forever--maybe for a long time, but not for eternity, it will eventually show. Indeed, the best would be to face these emotions and get over with them. Accept their intrusion [or revelation] in my heart--and then confront and correct them. After all, emotions come and go--and we choose which ones will stay.

I kept on wondering what could've happened to me today only had I perfected that last exam. Perhaps I wouldn't think of going back to Los Banos tomorrow or on Tuesday. I would have my first, and perhaps only, exempted ES finals that I could have. Or even maybe I would get a grade higher than 2.0.

What more had I studied and practiced for that one last exam, would things change for me? Does it all root back to my choice of being affiliated? What if I didn't join any organization and stayed a non-affiliated, university student? Perhaps I would have much more time for myself--for my family, for my friends, for my academics, for my own pleasures [aka gimiks]. I already see myself staying in the dorm, or in the apartment, not exactly studying, but sleeping all-day-long. See, would I have actually devoted my time to my studies and to people I care for if my schedule/activities permitted me to?

I wonder too what in my circumstances would have changed if I had a different choice of company. Had I joined my ol' room mates and dorm mates in their gimiks and bonding activities, maybe I am different today. Had I spent more time with them, revealed myself all the more to them, trusted them much more--then perhaps they are the ones I'll be running to for whatever I go through in my university life. Perhaps I would've gained much wisdom from them.

Then again, I chose a different path. Why would I look for a different set of friends if I was indeed contented with them? How my true self has been revealed with the set of friends I now frequent with: the ones I am at ease, the ones I enjoy more the company--people I am pretty much like-minded with.

And what if I was a devoted Christian already in my Freshman years? Would I have chosen a different path last year--would I have made a different choice? Then maybe today I won't be so much as troubled with my schedule, balancing work in organizations, academics, and ministry. And also maybe I wouldn't be as much devoted to pleasing God today as I could have been.

How much more had I quitted during my application process? Or what if I haven't presented at all to them? What could've been if I chose to wait a li'l while and took my time to decide upon my options? What more had I not attended their orientation in the first place? Would I have gone to the academic org instead and presented myself there, or remain the same un-affiliated, university girl? Would I have matured having chosen a different path, opposite to what I have chosen--or would I have remained the same, maturing at the same slow rate?

These thoughts, and even much more, ran painfully through my mind. I couldn't sleep then--I was too overwhelmed that these ideas come crashing in me all at the same time, with a mix of bitterness. Thankfully, Job's response through his much greater struggles got me through all these discouraging thoughts:

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised. [Job 1.21]

I thank the Lord dearly for His concern for me, having me learned the lessons of life the hard, efficient, effective way. Much time and opportunity has been robbed off me, but I cannot waste my time and energy pondering on such regrets. God is shaping me for His good purposes, not hurting me or anyone else for resentment. I could lose a hand and waste my time pondering on ten thousand opportunities I missed with my lost hand. Or I could maximize my remaining one hand doing a thousand more activities that I am able to do literally single-handedly.

I now share the passage that put me to sleep that night--a favorite verse of mine that helps me through my daily troubles. And I hope this one helps you, too.

Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil? [Job 2.10]

Life is bitter-sweet. But all a matter of perspective.


mood contemplative
read John Piper's What's the Difference
watch CSI Miami

yahn @ 10:21 PM | Book Of The Yahn [7 comment/s]



May 26th, 2008

Not Another Word

As I sit in the dark corner of the Phil Sports Arena, more famously known as the ULTRA, waiting patiently for the 2008 Campus Harvest Manila to officially start with a jump-start praise and worship, I heard myself telling God, "Not another word, God."

No, I'm not tired of hearing from God. Have you not noticed? I rather used the word tell instead of complain as these words popped out of my head, addressing them to my Father. I was in a rather normal mode in doing so this. Even so, I was optimistic, and excited. And why is that? Because of faith: I am believing God for not just His word, but His transformation. At the very start of the conference, I was very much hungry already for God. And mind you, not for His bread of life, but I am extremely looking forward for metanoia--a change of heart.

Session 1: Choosing LIFE

Since we are surrounded by so many examples {of faith}, we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially sin that distracts us. We must run the race that lies ahead of us and never give up. ~Heb 12.1

Christians live in a world far from perfection, a world that they never dream of. I, myself, live in such world, earth as man would call it, created by God but fallen in the hands of the devil, a place that God intended to be heaven-like but never got there. And the consequence of being fallen? Surprise, surprise: death.

And in this fallen world surrounded by fear and sin, what is a Christian to do? Sit and copy everyone's decision and action? No. God, through Paul, has an instruction for us: to run the race ahead of us with perseverance and never give up [Heb 12.1].

Already, my prayer has been answered with the new heart I was seeking for. God told Ezekiel, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your stubborn hearts and give you obedient hearts. [Ezek 36.26] That is just the heart that I exactly need: a heart obedient to God. And what does that heart do in obedience to God? It CHOOSES GOD--it chooses Jesus.

Before I slept that night, only then at Jo's house, upon reading the first chapter of a book called A Woman After God's Own Heart did I realize what it really takes to obey God. And the first and foremost rule of the game comes from the wisest person to walk the earth: In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. [Prov 3:6] Discerning God's will. Lord, what do you want me to do, say or feel in this situation? It was clear enough: one cannot follow instructions without discerning what these instructions are. For how can you testify that you obey the rules of the game, not knowing the rules of the game?

Choose life. We always have a choice. And Jesus already said it, I am the way, the truth and the LIFE. [Jn 14.6] Thus, choosing life is choosing Christ.

Session 2: Life to the Full

Finally, one pastor has been able to boldly ask, what is life to the full? I was awe-struck with the question, finding myself stunned to answer. What, to me, does life to the full mean?

After a few thoughts, now I have an answer. It means having it all--all from God, and all for God. Safe answer eh? But you and I know that this life is 'easier said than done.' Life to the full is not a one-time decision of hearing God, and swearing off your life for Him. No, it isn't that simple--how I wish. Then what does it take to have life to the full?

Three things: hear God, have God, obey God.

They were all the same--faithful men and women of God mentioned in the bible, living their full years [life] on earth: Abraham, Isaac, David, Jehoiada, Job, Jesus. All heard God's calling, and they all heed it. They constantly sought after His will day after day, not missing a single detail of His instructions for His great plan. And finally, following orders, pleasing the Lord in obedience.

What is LIFE TO THE FULL? In Pastor Mark's own words: a God-driven, abundant and purposeful life. A FULL LIFE is one that fulfills its designated assignment for the Creator, who blesses success for those who would just obey Him. And to me, it is like lying in my deathbed, smiling alone and feeling restful while thinking, mission accomplished.

Session 3: Reality

Reality, I used to think, is one of those abstract English words that is both philosophically and etymologically very difficult to define. But Pastor Morgan made it too easy for me to comprehend the concept, that I was just glad things aren't as complicated as I thought them to be.

Pastor Morgan posted three basic questions, ones that have been buggling the human mind all along.

What is reality? Dictionary definition goes like this: it is something that exists independently of ideas concerning it, independent of all other things, and from which all others are derived. By human definition, it is something that you could ignore or try to alter, yet wouldn't change or even be affected. You could actually derive it from its root word, real. Reality is that which is real.

How does the bible define reality? These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. [Col 2.17] I like the example Pastor Morgan used in contrast to Paul's teaching to the Colossians [Col 2.9-15]. Gravity is an accepted law in Physics, a law formulated by an infamously lazy [for lying under the tree, waiting for the apple to fall off the tree] yet bright man, Isaac Newton. Gravity defies floating, but not flying. Both floating and flying he would define as in air, that is drifting off in air weighlessly. With gravity, one cannot float in air. But even with gravity, one could fly, and the birds have already done so. Gravity still holds true, of course, but a new one intervenes: the law of lift and thrust.

There's this old reality, one which nobody could top, nobody could escape from. The Law, the written list of what's acceptable to God, that is perfect, held down the Jews from getting near God, even establishing a relationship with Him. But here comes Jesus, the new reality, the new law, one that intervenes and supercedes the old law. We know He is perfect, and He isn't keeping that for Himself. He is the new reality, tearing the old Law, not for us imperfect humans to be excused before God's judgment. But all the more to be able to face Him with a perfect, clean record, that we can only claim for ourselves through and from the only perfect human who walked this earth: Jesus Christ.

What does it matter? The reality is all that matters! Paraphrasing Forrest Gump, reality is as reality does. In the pastor's own, powerful words: what you believe shows up in how you live. What is the reality I am living for myself? Whose statement am I believing? Decide who and what the reality is in your life, and listen and do just that. [1 Ki 18.21]

Session 4: Life Full of Relationships

Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.' ~Gen 2:18

You see already? God didn't intend man to live by himself. And no, God never intended anybody for that matter to be isolated from all His creation. Even in the story of Noah and his ark, God didn't save Him alone, nor any of the animals--He saved all of them, BY PAIR.

Looking at Ecc 4.9-12, each verse had something to say why two are better than one.

Now this, I have just learned from Pastor Steve: life is not made up of all the series of events; LIFE TO THE FULLEST IS MADE UP OF PEOPLE. Thrice has it been emphasised in the Purpose Driven Life, and even the ultimatum of the said book, how essential that we ought to live with one another rather in isolation. #2 purpose: you were made for Christ's family; #4 purpose: you were shaped for serving God [and His family]; and #5 purpose: you were made for a mission.

We are to walk with God--all together.

Session 5: Hesitant

When you're called, you're called. Enough said.

In our last night at Jo's house, we watched a great movie before going to sleep: Evan Almighty. OK, I admit that for me it wasn't that funny, not even half as funny as its prequel, Bruce Almighty. But its greatness doesn't really come from its hint of comedy, not even from the not really great special effects, and definitely not from the unremarkable cast. What made me love it so much?

Of course, the message! I know, I found it short and bitin. But the message really struck me hard, and it the message that really counts. And this is what God spoke in my heart: Everything I do, I do because I LOVE YOU. Well, how sweet is that?  Now that's the point that God wanted to get across me.

A lot of times already have I heard God but hesitantly obeyed Him. I even usually ignored Him and acted as if I had no knowledge whatsoever of His call to me. There are many factors why I, and even some other else, do this, but I care not to mention them, because here's the bottom line: God commands us to obey. Nothing more, nothing less. No, no questions asked, no hesitations, no complaints--nothing! No words, just works.

Yet we see in Acts 9.10-15 Ananias' hesitation of going to Damascus as God instructed. For one he was afraid, another thing is his intimidation. But no, God overlooked these facts and information about Him, and instead urged Him all the more even as He declined at first. In the same way that Morgan Freeman kept on appearing and nagging Steve Carrel to do the ark, so did God keep on knocking in my heart until I finally, actually accepted Him and His calling for me. [Well, I don't have a clear vision of that calling yet actually, but I'm discerning it now, and I'm praying God would reveal it to me at the proper time.]

One act of obedience could actually change the world. How do you change the world? It all starts with ONE: one PERSON, one DECISION, one ACT.

Session 6: Now What?

I now go back to my statement, 'Not another word.' It's as if saying, 'Not again.' Now, not another, please?

After almost two years of being indoctrinated of Christian preachings and beliefs, only now have I come to realize what makes my being a Christian different from being something else. And it all lies down in the fundamental, first session of the conference: choosing Jesus.

I have come to realize that Christianity indeed takes a lot of courage. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe in; courage to discern what God wills for you to do [for increased knowledge increases responsiblity--I forgot where I heard that]; and of course the courage to obey Him. Christianity is a lifestyle--a lifestyle of choices made based on God. Daily commitment to God, a habit of doing small things for God, consistent in seeking God. [Eph 1.17]

Pastor LA asked boldly, 'What happens after the conference?' And I answer, 'Lord, now this is what I'm talking about. Don't let this conference just pass by. Not just words please. Actions, actions, actions! Yes, maybe I've been thinking all throughout that this will be my last. But even so, don't let this just be one of the many conferences I'll be paying for. Change me, and ENCOURAGE me to encompass that change when I get back in the SOCIETY.'

And I realize that I've actually asked God for opportunities, rather than just a change of heart.

The other night, before the CH mania has officially ended at Jo's room with Evan Almighty playing in her laptop, Morgan Freeman left a lesson for me to hold on to--the one thing that I should actually bring home more than anything else. And that is: to look forward to opportunities. I have been excited for change, and fervently asking God for a change of heart. Well, there I was, looking forward so much to going back home, my heart filled with joy and excitement, not for rest, but for opportunities--to be the change, the better, I wish for this family.

Now this is life: having a relationship with God--every single day. And it is life to the full.


yahn @ 03:08 AM | The Letters, Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]



May 29th, 2008

Hooked

Lately I am quite having a difficulty sleeping. And I thought this stuffed nose of mine [Oh yes, the season of flu again!] has kept me from fantasy land called dream. But, lo and behold, unlocked creative ideas are actually the reason for my late-sleep nights.

And a question that I haven't answered yet--with conviction and determination. If God would have me just one assignment to accomplish in this lifetime, would I actually do it--leaving behind everything?

I know I want to say yes--it's God of course! Now, we do understand the difference between what's important and what's urgent, right? I know, it is important to God, but would I leave behind my current situation to face this important one? Or rather, the more appropriate question would be, would I view this one task as urgent as God views it?

To me, it's no longer a question of courage or wit, but perception. And that's just my prayer--that eventually, when I come to receive and know that assignment, I will it view as God's instead of mine--so that I would know and do what needs done, I would desire more than anything else its accomplishment, and I would be brave enough to start and finish it.

High School Reminisce

I had the chance to revisit my old high school days, thanks to my love for writing--particularly events chronicling, or rather diary writing. But before I started with my own story, I got first this diary by a young Jewish girl and flipped open to its first three or four pages. And all I had to say, as I closed the book, smiling wickedly, was Anne, you are such a flirt!

Still, I'm looking forward to reading that book of history, Anne Frank's Diary. I judged that she was just a little girl. But as I read, I realized that she isn't so young after all. She was a teenager then, and she received Kitty, her diary, on her thirteenth birthday. And what do we know about such years? Adolescent years. Years of exploration, consciousness, confusion, and the like. And when I made that point in my head, that's when I got interested in reliving my own memories.

I read my controversial, flower-slash-dollar scented diary the other night. It only took me about two or three hours to read through the whole book. And, man, was I ashamed already half-way, that I couldn't read even further! Yet, I managed to finish through, and be excited to read the sequel.

Funny how I didn't expect the unfolding of events as I turned each page. Why, hello! It is my diary in the first place, MY STORY told by ME. I didn't realize that as much as Anne Frank mentioned boys in her first diary entries, so did I--so much that half of it has been almost covered by stories leading up to my crush then!

But the best thing, as I closed my diary [for good, I hope! :D] is that I just realized how much I've grown. Funny how immature I was then. Well, I thank God that I could tell myself just that--that I have been immature, because now I'm not. It's such joy to notice how immature I've acted then that now I have an idea which choices I would choose--how knowledgable and wise I have grown to be in weighing my options. Feels so good looking back that you know you made some wrong choices, but look forward with confidence knowing you wouldn't choose them again, ever.

So, diary writing is good, I reckon. You get to write, and write whatever and however you wish. You get to record memorable events in your life, and most importantly life lessons.

Now, I just wonder if I ever really get the courage to show these diaries to anybody. To my future husband perhaps? Or simply to my own future daughters? Who knows--it might come in handy sometime soon. I might as well keep it as my treasure. After all, it is my testimony.

Blog Habits

Well, as you may have noticed in my history, I bid goodbye to diary writing to a more hi-tech way of chronicling and writing: web logging. By 2004, I opened my first blog, and you wouldn't find any link here leading up to my first blogs. But in all the other blogs that I've opened, I all linked to this one. Of course, this is the one updated! Why would I mislead readers and have them view a blank page?

Anyway, I've just noticed some blog habits of mine, or rather writing habits of any writer. I've just noticed how much one's heart shows up in the events that a writer chooses to write. You, even I, get to notice what's important and what's not in a writer's life with the stories s/he retell. With just one event, you get to notice how one person perceives that event, and what part of that event is really important to that person. You really get to know a person just by story-telling, even not in writing. You realize what that person values, right?

Now, you must have noticed the sudden shift of my writing style. And yes, I have to admit that lately these themes on godliness and Christianity are what I'm currently hooked to. I used to create a separate blog for my devotionals, which is now outdated. I guess keeping a blog alone is difficult enough, let alone updating two more.

But no, I refuse to make the Christianity theme just a fad that I'll soon get over with and eventually forget. No, that's not how I wish it to be. Instead, I prefer to keep up with the writing of God's lessons for me. As I've mentioned above, my writing reveals much of what's important in my heart--my priorities. And it goes to show how much I prioritize God from now on.

Addiction

I've just finished my Purpose-Driven Journey last Monday. And I must admit it has been a meaningful journey for me. Add up to that the Campus Havest I attended last week just before I finished the book, which heaped burning coals in my heart. I'm still pondering whether I'm posting my reflections on that 40-day journey in this blog or not--or I'll store it some place. Anyway, I'll just keep them in my laptop for the time being, and just run through them every now and then.

And right now, I'm into leadership books--just started actually with John Maxwell's The 360-Degree Leader. So, I'm looking forward to leading in the near future eh? No. I am preparing myself for leadership. Remember, I'm part of an organization already, right? OK, so maybe I am looking forward to being a leader. So what? It's a passion, a vision, God has put in my heart.

How about you--have you asked God already what that one thing you're supposed to do or be in this lifetime? Have you done it already? God is wondering what's taking you so long; His clock is ticking.


listen Nancy Leigh Demoss
read John Maxwell's The 360-Degree Leader
watch Grey's Anatomy Season 3

yahn @ 02:40 PM | Book Of The Yahn [4 comment/s]



May 31st, 2008

Summer Ender

I came across these great reflection questions in the internet. Last night, I decided that since the end of the month is almost here [and it is actually] as well as the summer vacation, which closes one busy season for me once again, I'm posting my end-of-summer entry today. I figured I'd take the time today to reflect on what a busy summer season it has been for me, and wonder what more I could do in the next couple of days, months, or for the rest of the year.

What?

What happened? That's the core question that the first reflection question is supposed to tackle. Exactly what are the details of my summer vacation?

Well, to start off, it wasn't exactly a vacation--at all. No, I didn't spend my summer in vacation: swimming in the beaches of Batangas, sitting the whole day in front of my laptop [like what I just did this whole week--well, almost], or even spending quality time with my family [the real ones and the high school pals].

So, instead of the same, old-fashioned summer vacation I had in the past, I studied. And I do mean study as if it's a regular semester, taking up units that I need to complete my course. Anyway, since I have this opportunity to spend a few days [OK, so it was almost a month] away from home, then I figured I better plan out my days rather than just let things go--unmanagable and, you know, wasted.

To start off, let me go back with my summer plans list.

  1. Reflect. Now of course, based on my past posts in this blog, I sure did go through that journey of discernment and search for God. From April 16 until May 26 I have been consistent in keeping up with the 40-chapter book of retreat--spending at least 30 minutes of the day reading and reflecting over a chapter of the book. OK, so I had my ups and downs of sleeping through the book and running out of time for writing my thoughts and God's message for me. But hey! By God's grace I persisted, and now I've learned--I let it change me this time more than it did before. This is what everything I do is all about: getting the strength and wisdom from God to make things possible.
  2. Read seven [7] books/novels. Now this I must admit, I have deliberately failed. I haven't opened a novel all this time. Though I must add that I did get to finish another Joshua Harris book, Boy Meets Girl. I already had it pinned down, having plotted a reading plan of when and what to read. Oh well, will just have to try better next time. Guess God's telling me this isn't the best time for novels--just focus on the reflection [and academics].
  3. Attend Youth Camp and Campus Harvest in May. Cross for the former, check for the latter. Enough said.
  4. Get slimmer. Uh, I think that goes for my whole lifetime, until I get my waist to 24 inches. Yeah, that would be fine. Well, unless of course God asks me erase that one, why not?
  5. Drive. Get this: I now have my parents' trust to park the car--on a regular basis! And I almost thought I'm not really for this--when all of a sudden, God now puts in my heart a desire for driving my own car. How about that?
  6. Play the piano and memorize notes. Why, of course, I even had my piano set up in the dorm just so I get to practice my pieces. But no, after less than a week, I was off that high chair in front of my piano. And you woundn't guess where in the room I would be found in those piano practice hours.
  7. Write and earn money. I never gathered the courage to go back there and collect my money. Hmm, that's stupid--I know I've earned that money. Oh well, next sem I really have to face them and get my payment already. God help me.
  8. Speak French. Same as what happened with my piano lessons--got pretty tired and, well, overtaken by some other priority--which I'd like to point out right now that it is a correct decision.
  9. Cook! No time, and place, for cooking. Or maybe I just lacked the initiative to ask, learn and actually cook.
  10. And of course, STUDY. Now who would have thought that my tenth and last goal for the summer season actually went up to almost the first place, overtaking my initial passion and desire at the start of the season for French and piano lessons? Instead of in front of the piano, working my ass to read the piano notes I've almost forgotten, I found myself in front of the desk, buried in the old notes and math problems of a blocmate's. Instead of learning the craft of French grammar, there I was, memorizing and reliving the Calculus days of integration and differentiation. And it all paid off even as I wasn't exempted, for then God was glorified when I perfected the finals. I may never have gotten that flat one, but God was generous enough to willingly give me the 2.0.

So what?

Now this second question would answer the question why did I have to do all these? Why did this and that happen, and why did I have to choose this and that? Basically, it answers that puzzling three-letter question [that I should say requires us as humans to be logical and reasonable]: WHY?

  1. Reflect. I came back at that point [or perhaps it was the point that came back? Either way, I was facedwith the questions!] when I kept asking myself why I do things, what keeps me going, and what exactly am I looking forward to. Sean Covey helped much in getting me through the hopeless stage of 'Who cares? Nobody.' I managed to care about myself, my life, and started organizing it--having realized that management is what it lacks that's why things never go my way. But that was a very long time ago. Now, the question still hanging for me [though thankfully doesn't bother me now] is WHY? Came back to those three ultimate questions of human existence: identity, role and importance. Having reminded of Mt 16.25 as I desired to go on soul-searching, I realized that I didn't have to find myself, rather I just have to seek God and understand His will all the more. And I would say that was exciting--for me at least. Now, after that 40-day retreat, I realized that it was a good idea, and it would be a better one to pause every once in a while and, just like I did, check on God Himself how I am doing.
  2. Read seven [7] books/novels. Well, you should know by now why! Of course, books are piling up and collecting dust in my study table. And they're all new and unopened [like wow!]. And there's just a lot to read around here. And... well, I just love reading. And I don't intend to go on hiatus and have a hard time getting back the ol' reading pace. Na-ah.
  3. Attend Youth Camp and Campus Harvest in May. Because I know, and God tells me so, that my involvement is needed in these activities. More is not just merrier, but is even better. And at the end of the month, my commitment is what really matters. I gave my word, so I have to keep it. Mind you, I gave my word to God.
  4. Get slimmer. Getting fatter just wastes my clothes, disallowing me to wear them already. But I guess it's a good sign that I should shop for new ones instead. Even still, I'd rather shop with a slimmer bod than a stuffed one. Besides, the fats aren't so good for me. In short, I'm getting unhealthy. That's why.
  5. Drive. First, because dad wants me to. And then my sister. And then same goes for myself. Lastly, because I have to. The driving lessons will come in handy pretty soon.
  6. Play the piano and memorize notes. I played the piano again at the request of my parents. And perhaps partly because I was jealous. Well now I know better that all I have to compete with is myself, and the standard I have to meet is my own. Plus, I really like playing the piano. Really, I do! Though it doesn't show much in the time I give to it.
  7. Write and earn money. I simply want to store up some riches of my own, that's all.
  8. Speak French. I am looking forward to go France, even Paris, sooner or later. OK, so maybe I don't have to learn the craft because I won't spend that much time there ['cause really, I'm just planning on a vacation--two weeks perhaps] and I could converse in English instead. But I like the French language, and I'd really like to converse well in another language. Why, haven't you wondered yet why French of all languages--even so, all European languages? Simple: I like it. Suits me. It's a challenge for me, and once I get through this, then I'll pursue as well Spanish [which a lot say is much easier especially for a Tagalog-speaking lady like me].
  9. Cook! Oh, this one's in preparation for my future. As a housewife of course. Or if you wish, as an independent woman.
  10. And of course, STUDY. The campus, my education--that's why!

Why have you noticed? I seem so driven in these activities. I haven't done this before--explaining to myself why I do things and stuff. Now I know that I am a determined woman. I just lack discipline. And reminders.

Now what?

Now what?! Now I have an idea what else to do: what I should actually be focusing on, and what I could do better.

But first, let me recount my priorities in life [the most specific, more realistic, and unlikely to change ones].

  1. My personal relationship with God.
  2. My relationship with my family.
  3. My academics/studies [later on, my career].
  4. My fellowship with the church and fellow believers.
  5. My commitment to the organizations I am part of even before I became a believer.

Now, let me see which summer goals were left hanging, and the ones we could label 'Mission Accomplished.' OK, maybe silly, but who cares? As if I don't know any better to assess myself.

  1. Reflect.
  2. Read seven [7] books/novels.
  3. Attend Youth Camp and Campus Harvest in May.
  4. Get slimmer.
  5. Drive.
  6. Play the piano and memorize notes.
  7. Write and earn money.
  8. Speak French.
  9. Cook!
  10. And of course, STUDY.

Seems like the striked ones are the 'Mission Accomplished' goals for me. Well done, I should say. And then there are the ones in bold text, indicating that they're still hanging, waiting for me to be accomplished--I know! While there are two items that underlined instead--because I know I've done them over the summer, but doesn't mean I'll stop at that and dismiss them: I have to keep going! Oh, there goes also those two items in plain text. Why? I don't exactly plan on pursuing them now. No. You see, they don't fit in any of my priorities--no, they don't! And the answers in the 'So what?' section? Just goes to show how undetermined I am for these things.

Four out of ten goals. Am I getting any better? Maybe not, maybe yes, maybe so. Doesn't matter. I'll keep on going.

And of course, as I close, I now present a draft of my goals for the upcoming semester.

Cheers everyone!


listen Sugar Ray's Someday
read John Maxwell's The 360-Degree Leader
watch Grey's Anatomy Season 3

yahn @ 07:55 PM | Book Of The Yahn [4 comment/s]



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