Entries for November, 2008

November 3rd, 2008

A New Discovery

I have made a great discovery just tonight on our way home from Batangas.

Only now have I truly understood the most common cliche that both you and I have heard many times already, and perhaps I should have remembered most of the time, which is: life is like a wheel--a series of ups and downs.

Indeed, I have come to observe this one law of nature that, to me, helped everything else make some sense to me. You must have noticed already how nostalgic I have become these days, and guiltly, I have been resentfully complaining about so many things that I get to reminisce about: how my experiences should have taught me already what should and shouldn't be done in such situations, the way things have come my way once or twice before but now having quite forgotten them, which in turn now makes me resent even more why I have to forget them just when I needed them most.

Life is a constant cycle. Everything is just bound to happen all over again. History does repeat itself. All experiences in one's life are simply bound to repeat itself in one way or another. Sure, it won't, and it never will, seem like the smallest detail of events repeat itself, or happen all over again. If it were, then life here becomes pointless, wouldn't it be? As normal, thinking, active beings, why bother ourselves with all this stuff when we know exactly just what is coming?

Rather, it's a simple matter of challenges endlessly facing us--definitely one after another.

Honestly, I somehow resent having realized this just now. I'm not really sad knowing that problems would always arise and all I have to do is face them and get over with all of them. The thing I really resent is having to think, after getting through one problem, that up next is an easy one since I've gone through what I believed to be the 'worst.' Wrong. There can't be a 'worst' one, just as there's no 'best.'

Actually, just about all problems are the same. Indeed, God has these troubles for us to learn from. We don't also want to forget that essential fact that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle, anything beyond our capabilities and understanding. When I mean the same here, I define it as the same level--all at the same level, yet still of different specifications or condition.

What's to do now? I accept that these things are out of my hands now. I have now a clearer view from here. It's sad that there's just more problems that I should be expecting by now. Though it's wonderful still to hope that after all that I've been through, I know I'll get past the worst of worst knowing I've come from 'there to here' and, of course, believing in faith that God is a lot more in control that I am.

I accept now that, truly, crises await me whichever path I choose. So, indeed, there's no turning back for me. I may never know how much better the other path could have been, but thankfully I also don't get to know anymore how much more difficult that part could have been as well.

And this simple, maybe not so brand new, realization of mine happen to just save my sanity. It did brighten me up and pumped up the inspired, tactful, fully motivated Yahn within. Cheers for that!

Dear Lord, I may not always call to you for help when I'm at that brink of desperation. Or perhaps I do, but then at happy, bright times I forget you in a snap and get drowned in my cheerfulness. Yeah, I admit I don't regularly pray--not anymore. But still, you know it's you that I'd always come back to. So, yeah, I thank you for always welcoming me. And I thank you so much for this one habit of mine you haven't taken away--even from my memory. Thanks for holding my life, instead of me holding--you do know what's best for me. I know someday, someway, I'll repay you--sooner or later. You know that, you do that. Amen.

mood cheerful
listen Lifehouse's Broken
read Twilight series
watch Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of the Meiji

yahn @ 01:19 AM | Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]

November 10th, 2008

Fantasies... and then the best [also bitter] parts

One Chapter A Day

That's right. I'm taking this scheme seriously now, and actually bring it to life. So that I get some things really done really soon. Or something like that.

Thanks to the no-internet-connection days at the start of the month, I was finally able to read a few PDF books I've downloaded. I'm finally through with Twilight! The goal now is to finish just about all the ebooks before the year ends. Or maybe not. More assuredly now, I have just decided to take it easy--nice and slow, one step at a time--one chapter a day. I do hope I get to fulfill this goal of mine: to read much more than seven books this year--right? Right.

So here are the books I'm gonna spend my nights with.

November
10-30: A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett

December
1-20: Work-A Story of Experience by Louisa M. Alcott
21-25: A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
26-31: The Story of My Life by Helen Keller

Funny Musings

So I'm so hooked recently to this fastly getting more and more popular new sensational fiction novel crowned as the 'new Harry Potter series'--the Twilight series. Well, the whole point is that, all this talk, or rather read, on vampires, werewolves and the like over the last few days--not to mention last few days of my semestral break as well--got me thinking... rather funnily.

Familiar with that hit American series that made Sarah Michelle Gellar a household name? Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Exactly. So here's my analysis, that I even typed in my new Nokia 5610 just so I won't forget the exact words that originally formed in my head: if Buffy is a vampire slayer, then she must be a werewolf, right? Then again, as I remember correctly, isn't her lover there a vampire as well? Indeed. Puzzling. Intriguing. Annoying. Confusing. Like why on earth do I care, really now.

Right. So, I did have more funny musings as the my break now draws to a close. OK, maybe not really funny. I believe strange is a little more appropriate. No, much more in fact. Oh no, I don't believe so and I'm not guessing--right now, at this instant, I happen to know--yes I KNOW that there's more to these strange musings. I am sure.

Anyway, as usual my funnily strange musing moments occur at my most thinking-vulnerable time of the day: bedtime. And let me just point out for the record, what an utterly strange and long combination of termilogies I have used there. Going back to my original argument, so I mused a lot during bed time: just when all lights have gone out and I'm almost ready, rather eager, to wander through dreamland.

Let me share what I've mused about the other night. I've just finished reading the second installment of Stephanie Meyer's vampire love story series, New Moon, and my minds just couldn't get off the subject. Invariably, I'm just all too eager to continue my reading session on to the 3rd installment, Eclipse. And instead of giving in to my addiction, or perhaps you could consider my sort of withdrawal sydrome [then again, it seems to other way around, doesn't it?], I found myself flipping through that cosmopolitan-based, liberal bestseller novel-turned-movie, The Devil Wears Prada, which apparently I haven't really given some thought over a few months already. Yeah, well I did finish the first chapter, that short preface to the excitingly exhilirating story, but I still put it down--well, not to give in to the aforementioned addiction-slash-withdrawal-syndrome, but more of move on to the more important ebook that I have made a priority as I have planned above: A Little Princess.

Well, after that much too long narration of mine that I could pretty much explain well later on, the musing is this: why did Bella have to be constructed in such way? I mean, I'm talking about the way she handled Edward breaking up with her. Why did she become that fragile, that tormented, that broken? More than half a year, yet she has never moved on, even an inch. Now don't give me that you've-never-been-there crap yet. My concern here is simply this: the center of her life. Is that how life is supposed to be: circling around one and only that one subject matter: a man, a career, a skill, a faith. Is that it, is that what really means to live: pouring out all the love, all the emotion, all the passion in that one thing, one very specific something? Well, kind of like that--perhaps I could further type down later on.

Anyway, I've listed enough musings there. I still have much more musings, but then they aren't really funny at all. Of course, they are strange, but what do you expect? They're merely musings, the product of a powerful imagination, no more no less.

Word Vomit

As promised above, here's my petty explanation for all those word vomit: it struck me again. It happened one night, that very night after finishing Bella's second misadventures with Jacob Black this time instead of Edward Cullen. You see this word vomit--such long list of words that I have managed to intertwine with one another without really having much sense or what-not--this is what happens to me: this is why I write.

And it all just goes to say that all my writings then and now are due to my word vomit days--times when I just happen to have a lot going on in my mind.

I used to say that I don't talk a lot, I just do think a lot. I guess that isn't exactly the case. At one point or another, I've just realized that I have such one amazing ability to not think when I want to--and even not think when I don't want to but I need to. It's a curious thing for me indeed just to be able to stare blankly in to space and honestly, doubtlessly think of absolutely nothing--as in literally no-brainer! How I manage to do such, I don't know.

After all, resting your mind from its most exhaustive activity is good, isn't it? Exactly the point of meditation and solitude.

Anyway, a li'l more to this word vomit. I recalled the manuscripts I've started back in high school that until now remain untouched. Word vomit is the continuation. Except that I don't know when I'll really get back at it. I want a real plan this time though. I want to finish it. I really want it published sooner or later. No, I do know I will get it published in an exact near future.

Books. I know. I read a lot of them. And I do hope I get to publish one soon. No, I know I will. Later.

Love Musings

Anyway, since I've already mentioned above this love bug or what-not, I might as well some more of what I thought of for the past couple of nights.

See, I've just come to notice this about stories: a center. There's a subject, to which the character is willing to die for or exchange his/her life for. It's like the very essence of his/her existence. Whether be it a loved one, a thing, or his/her faith, there's always this center in every story.

Then I remember the 7 habits--a first step in organizing your life is determining that center of yours--the center of your life, the very essence of your existence. It simply got me thinking a li'l more than it should.

What is the center of my life? What is the core of my existence?

I've already read and seen too many stories in this sem break of mine with just as many centers as well. Then again, I draw a common point.

Love.

Love for someone, love for God, love for a virtue.

It's all about pouring out your all--your emotion, your time, your undivided attention--to that one center of your life.

What is the center of my life? What is the core of my existence?

Love.

Still, the nagging question: love for what? love for whom?

Indeed, many books have said it already, clearly stating it. Many people even have preached a lot about it. Love for others. Then I come to realize: I'm not that kind of person. I'm not exactly that person who is drawn to helping and such. Because if I were, I wouldn't really have much trouble communicating and relating with a great deal of them easily. I could, but not easily. I'm patiently waiting for that one 'soulmate'--if you'd call him it--but I have never imagined myself actually preparing for his coming and just looking forward to that day he steps into my life like my world would stop revolving at his arrival.

Well how about love of God? Exactly the right answer. But, still no. Hey, I do love God, I swear. It's just that, it isn't exactly a center for me as well--not exactly the subject that seems to reflect in my life: in my actions, in my priorities, in my decisions.

Maybe, sin as it may seem, I just love the world. Then again, what's to love in this world anyway?

What then?

God.

Now I remember.

Up there, I realized I wasn't exactly talking about God himself. Rather, religion and all the set of rules and traditions.

God is the center of my life.

Life is crazy. Life is unfair. Life is even a piece of cake. But that's just is--life as is. My life, centered on God. No more questions asked. Just living through with what's given. Living in the present, as God allows. Exactly.

Now I'm coming through.

Coming Around

Well, I've been through a lot of reflection, haven't I?

Anyway, I have a new mantra to share: do less harm than necessary. Right.

listen Broken by Lifehouse
read A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett
watch Bourne Ultimatum

yahn @ 04:22 PM | Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [2 comment/s]

November 16th, 2008

Comparison. Analogy.

So Bella did choose Edward after all. After all of Jacob's warnings, after all that Edward did, after all the negative opinion of many others. And indeed, it all just seemed so wrong. Wrong to choose bad over the good. Then again, scrutinizing from a different point, from a better perspective, you'd realize how much better it really pays to be honest than to be a hypocrite. After all, honesty is the best policy.

Or is it?

Jacob was so good. He was pure of heart. He was innocent, and he definitely meant no harm. He was a protector, no doubt about it, and not just to one person and some shockingly unbelievably truthful secrets, but to many. People don't know it, but they do owe a lot to this young boy, and they trust him more than they realize they could ever give him credit for. He was young and pure--only he was vulnerable just the same.

On the other hand, this rather temptingly appealing Edward happen to be a perfect mix of ironies--a total paradox in itself. Physically intimidating but  honestly desirable. Self-controlled, yet pushing it to the limits. His eyes, oh indeed you'd be so mesmerized even when you're just imagining to look straight at the eyeballs--feeling both lucky and cursed at the same time.

So Bella did make some choice there. And she chose the latter.

So did I have just about the same choices. Not with men, though, but still with decisions that are life-altering, forever-changing, or whatnot.

And I happen to choose the latter just as well.

Last Thursday, I woke up with slight wonderment, somehow puzzled to be starting the day with this one question I haven't faced for some time now: why on earth did I stay here? Right then and there, throughout my morning ritual of bath and quiet time, I lingered long enough on the question to find within that reasonable explanation that I can't live without--that very reason that helps me to keep on doing what I've always done.

After all the brain-wrecking pro's and con's that surely awakened my memory over that time, the answer I came up with was this: I was learning. And until now, I'm still learning a lot.

You know what? Perhaps for the first time, I found myself honestly telling the truth to myself--without but's and without if's. I was blank. I felt like I've just released the very core of my reality. Something like that. Bottom line is, it was an honest truth that I didn't deny and didn't cover up. It was just as is.

I'm just half-way through that Twilight series. I haven't started yet with Eclipse, but I will finish them all. Definitely. So right now, that's all I could say--that's all I could compare myself with Bella's choices. I resent to be likened to Bella herself mainly due to her fragility and weakness. I just happen to somehow notice how similiar some things can be, and even in our case, to have just about the same choice.

Choices. Why bother all the advantages and disadvantages when all that really matters in the long run is the consequence?

yahn @ 04:58 PM | Ice-peek!, Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]

November 22nd, 2008

Is it that time of the year?

Fruitcake
Eraserheads

There's a fruitcake for everybody
There's a fruitcake for everyone
There are b-sides to every story
If you decide to have some fun

Take a bite
It's alright
There's some brandy and star margarine to make it bright
Take a bite
It's alright
A little loving and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of cake

It's the season for being happy
But the reason is dead and gone
If the reason for being happy
Takes a backseat when the season's done

Just take a bite
It's alright
Taste the taste that sent all mothers giggling in sheer delight
Take a bite
It's alright
A little loving and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of cake

Everybody, everywhere, people do you really care
Christmas time has once again arriived
Everybody, everywhere, people do you really care
Christmas time has once again arriived

Mistletoes and a little snow
We don't get it there at fruit cake's heights
Mistletoes and a little snow
We don't get it there at fruit cake's heights

Stars are falling down from heaven
But it's nowhere near our town
Miracles are falling down from heaven
But it's nowhere near our town

There's a fruitcake in everybody
There's a fruitcake in everyone
There are b-sides to every story
If you decide to have some fun

Just take a bite
It's alright
Taste the taste that sent all mothers giggling in sheer delight
Take a bite
It's alright
A little loving and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of cake

Take a leap, today--you've done enough deliberating for a lifetime, and at a certain point you just have to get going! Leap, and the safety net will be there--just trust it! Believe in yourself and believe that no matter what happens, you can handle the situation. You've had a lot of your energy focused on getting work done, but the connections you wanted haven't been made--so now is the time to push things over the edge. Fully commit to your own success.

It's about time.

mood chipper
listen Eraserhead's Fruitcake
read thermodynamic tables

yahn @ 07:01 PM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]

November 30th, 2008

It's About Time

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~Ecclesiastes 3.1

Last week was another bum weekend for me. I spent most of my time watching The Godfather trilogy. And I was satisfied, for I was really looking forward to sitting through many hours for that famous trilogy. It was really good, as I have learned from the feedbacks of many others who have seen it especially those who make sense [whatever that meant ].

Part 1 was the best as I reckon. The story was so interesting, you wouldn't dare miss any part wherever you might have started watching: in the very beginning, in the midst of conflict, in the climax, or even close to its end. And that first part did well in making its audience beg for more without cutting the story short.

On the other hand, part 2 was quite a bore. I found it monotonous, but you'll definitely see the sudden turn of events there. As surprising events unfolded and matters became worse than ever, the story reminisced as well the younger years of the late Corleone, Don Vito.

In part 3, the story gained back its excitement. Though my main comment is that it's one tragic movie. It was the end of the trilogy, and it had a sad closing rather than a 'happily ever after' ending [a happily never after, if you'd like to put it that way]. It's also interesting to point out the transition Connie Corleone have gone through in the series: from an introvert, fragile lady, to a promiscous, careless widow, and now an extrovert, assertive Corleone woman.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

The Godfather III made me think deeply. I hated it for its tragic ending, but that very tragic ending is the best part of it. It made me realize that perhaps it is way better to get ahead of the line, die being loved and remembered--rather than live long enough to witness everyone else passing away.

Destinity, serendipity, fate. The consequences of our actions and decisions are sure hard to counter, right?

It's not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to know

And that was last week. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday passed. Those were pretty fast days. I was only looking forward to Thursday and Friday. And as the hours drew closer for the end of the week, butterflies started building up in my stomach, more and more each hour that I let time pass. My mind wandered all the more, giving me difficulty to sleep over the past couple of days.

I could almost have a much more sleepless night on Thursday if not for having met on the way home their president. I was supposed to inform my much awaited application to first their mem com head. But things didn't turn out the way I saw it. So I made my move instead to that president that I'm more familiar with. And I'd say I made him happy enough--point taken.

Now, bum days are so over. I closed it the other night with much booze and with my beloved brods and sisses. And I am surely satisfied. Acad org, here I come! I'm so nervously excited! XD

It's time now, to sing out,
Though the story never ends.
Let's celebrate, remember a year,
In the life of friends.

Better to remember and not forget.

And always be reminded, though, that learning is what's left when everything else has been forgotten.

mood anxious
listen Seasons of Love

yahn @ 12:15 PM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]