Entries for January, 2009

January 1st, 2009

It was a cool change, but no smooth transition.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

But before moving forward, the tradition is looking back first--reflecting on how the year has been, how much has changed. I'd simply compare and contrast the what should have against the what has been. Let's start!

JANUARY

I recall vivdly having so much hope, thirsting wildly for God and a life that is directed to him. Well, I'm not implying that the good life is just living up to man's expectations of godliness. In the beginning, I admit to having been so much inspired to serve God in all aspect. But, being an utterly adaptable person, things changed for me towards the end. I would rather recount them later, at the proper timing. For now, I just remember all those faith goals and sincere intentions. They aren't wasted. I just didn't realize where they have disappeared to.

Last year, I was able to reminisce without the aid of past posts and even photos. That was 2007, when past posts or even photos weren't really much of a help. I just remember having a good memory of that year for me. But for 2008, I don't get to do that. My mind is clouded by the memory of the past two weeks of vacation. Not that 2007 was a lot lovelier for me to remember so well. It's just that, things changed so fast I didn't realize it. There's just a lot that happened.

FEBRUARY

Moving on. By the second month, I was able to persistently keep up with the quiet time routine. A great accomplishment for me! I was an obsessive-compulsive then, trying to keep things in control. A smooth-flowing month for me, I'd say, keeping up with a tight and hectic schedule, finding time to still have fun with different crowds, and nourishing the faith. I was juggling my schedule, and eventually getting used and good at it. Time management--finally.

But by the end of the month, a big change startled me. Whoa, now being an officer has never been part of my plans. What on earth happened? Goes to show that it really isn't me in control, but God alone. Now some plans had to be reviewed.

MARCH

Browsing through my blog to refresh my memory of the month's events, I came across this quote that had me giggle crazily to myself.

AUBREY: Try falling in love with someone you never initially liked. It's fun.

And I just happen to think: how about falling for someone you initially hated? How much worse could that be!

Anyway, I also recall in this month successfully heading an event. Well, not exactly heading, but organizing it. And there's just two of us, then! Big accomplishment for me, I'd say, and it made much difference in my life. I loved it!

On that month as well I had another bad case of hangover. That didn't really stop me from drinking, but it did teach me a lot about the crowd I hang around with. And it's all a matter of choice. I recall so well drinking so much, not sleeping, and still having the guts to meet up with someone. Thankfully, that breakfast went well, and now I'd say we still catch up with one another. Then again, whatever. XD

APRIL

My soul-searching month. First time to spend vacation studying rather than skinny-dipping in different beaches. I get to laugh again with another confession made.

Bakit tuwing 2nd semester ako naghahanap ng relasyon?

Funny how I should say that. And then now realize that it's the second semester of classes. I have no idea what I'm up to in this life.

Quite a highlight of the month is my improved driving after a year. I almost gave up learning, but God and even my father didn't give up on me. Eventually, I have managed to drive on a regular basis every weekend. I even get to practice now around LB, and initially in highways.

MAY

Would you believe this is the first summer I never stepped foot in a sand-filled beach? I didn't really realize I missed out on a lot of summer stuffs. Anyway, real beach fun started Septermber instead. More details later.

As I come closer half the year through, I see how much love-filled 2008 has been for me. It's just about everywhere, more than ever. It was only then that I have considered the bigger picture and pondered a little more on the subject. I guess it's good to think of it while it still isn't around. Well I do hope it helps me prepare for the real thing. Soon, I'd say.

Then there were those many lessons learned. Or rather relearned. Truths about relationships, the art of accumulating knowledge, purposeful living. Where are they now?

Going back to the aforementioned month, it showed me that the passion was still there, even after a few lapse of judgment. Now I wonder, when was the fire extinguished?

JUNE

Now I'm a junior student! Two more years and I'll be graduating. What a relief for me.

I still see the consistency, the persistency in time management. Good. Where did it go eventually? Did it really go away, anyway?

I am reminded of the term quarter life. I'm almost actually there. And indeed, this life is all about being more than just doing. Not exactly being by what I do, rather having my choices mold my character, my personality.

JULY

I find myself smiling once more, having realized much I've really waited this time that I would be part of that engineering academic org that my close friends are part of. It wasl July, more than five months away, but the plan has been already planted in my heart to join them the following sem. Amazing--all I could utter.

I read also in my blog how much I have enjoyed my time in gimiks--bonding with people and strengthening relationships. People really do matter--and I've just applied the real lessons in actual.

AUGUST

Now I see where it all starts--when. In August, I was in a brink of despair. Though today, I don't really remember much of it. I just recall being very stressfully busy with all our activities, and actually heading activities. I'd say successfully, but could have been better. Anyway, those were depressing days. And as I've known for myself, I easily forget the 'down' times. I could be so down low for a time, but I let it all pass.

Funny how easily I have forgotten the failures, but get to smile upon recalling the good times. I am such an optimist.

SEPTEMBER

A highlight of the month is having that aforementioned beach trip in the middle of the semester. Fun bonding with the brods and sisses! Felt the pressure all the more. But loved the people much more! It's good to recall these good times--and simply consider these very memories in the brink of regret.

OCTOBER

The lowest point of my year. An unexpected big shift in my life. October 2008 is a time I often go back to. It is the very moment that I bluntly ask myself and all else the big question WHAT IF? And now I wouldn't really dare start asking this question. New year, time to actually move on!

NOVEMBER

A pretty slow month for me. I don't really recall lots of activities, gimiks, or work. I just remember waiting impatiently--taking my time to spend the few weeks I have with fellow heroes and brods and sisses relaxing and having a good time. Come December, the fulfillment of my plans.

DECEMBER

A roller-coaster ride. Enough said.

So this has been 2008 for me. And what of those goals of mine? Let me have just a run down. And having been running out of time, I'll consider posting 2009 plans over the weekend.

See, the explanation here is that the ones in underline are actully *checked* ones--fulfilled, but continuing. I have just noticed how indeed much of these are habits to be developed, and not merely one-time big-time goals to be accomplished. And then those striked are ones that I don't really intend to get done any longer. I'd say don't ask. And still those untouched, without any text decoration, are habits still hanging, and I am adding perhaps to this year's 'resolutions' or rather faith goals. I may have failed them, but I consider hanging on still to them.

Change, change. What more could happen in 2009?

Toodles for now! [^-^]

PS: Another thing I've noticed this year is that it's been a lit-inspired year. Creative juices just flowed naturally out of me in to this blog. And I didn't notice that I have managed to come up with more than three poems last year. Wow for me, I'd say. I'm not really that poetic, believe me.


yahn @ 09:32 PM | Book Of The Yahn [2 comment/s]



January 3rd, 2009

Homework

Wala na ngang pasok, pero may assignment pa rin. Pambihirang buhay naman 'to.

Nung isang araw pa ako binubulabog ng tanong na ito. Ngayon naman, tatay ko na mismo ang nagtatanong sa akin kung anong plano ko sa aking buhay. At kailangan ko pa itong gawing pormal at isulat ng detalyado para sa kanya! Sabi ko nga sa kanya: I can only see as far as three months. Ang range pa man din ng aming assignment ni ate [oo, pati sya ay damay--dapat si mama na rin eh :D] ay limang taon. Duh! Ang tagal no'n ah. Ewan ko lang, pero para sa'kin napakalawak na ng ganung pagpaplano.

 Sa simbahan pa lang tinanong ko na si God, nung pasko ata yun kung di ako nagkakamali. Napagtanto ko kasing marami na palang nagbago sa'king buhay--sobrang dami na! May pagka-urong-sulong kung baga ang naging takbo na ng buhay ko. Nadaanan ko na, babalikan pa. Tapos syempre matatapos na rin ang taon. Ito na nga, dumating na ang 2009, wala pa rin akong maisagot na matino sa mind-boggling question: ANO NANG MANGYAYARI SA BUHAY KO? Ano na nga bang plano ko sa buhay ko?

Hindi na ko magbabalik-tanaw pa. Parang nung isang araw naisulat ko na yun, di ba? Pasintabi, may nakalimutan pala akong pansinin sa pagbabalik-tanaw ko ng Nobyembre nang nakaraang taon. Napakarami kong pagmumuni-muning ginawa ng mga panahong iyon. Walang kwenta, puro kalokohan. Kung ano-ano pang napagtanto ko at nabalikan ko, eh isa lang naman pinatunguhan ng lahat. The bottomline is: I'm depressed. Hindi ko matakasan ang katotohanang bumagsak ako. Masyado akong malungkot at nagsisi sa katotohanang iyon. Nagpasukan na at lahat, maaga akong nagising at pumasok sa una kong klase--my second first day in that class. How ironic. Tinatawanan ko lang sa harap ng madla, pero sa loob-loob ko ang bigat, yun na siguro ang tipong matatawag kong worst feeling in the world.

Magulo na maayos ang nakaraang taon para sa akin. Marami sa mga nahiling ko ang natupad, ang mga habits na ninais kong makasanayan ay natupad rin naman. Maayos dahil nga sa dami na rin ng pagpaplanong ginawa ko. Maayos dahil sa naisipan kong ayusin ang buhay ko even to the smallest detail. Pero magulo rin dahil sa mga setbacks na tinatawag, sa mga 'di inaasahang pangyayaring nakaapekto ng malaki sa nauna nang naplano. Ang tinutukoy ko'y mga pangyayaring taliwas pa nga sa iniisip ko.

Ayan, napamuni-muni na naman ako. Nagbalik-tanaw ng mga nangyari na. Nakakasawa na kasi. Just makes you feel how much older you really are. Kamusta naman ang ganung pakiramdam 'di ba? Ang dami na rin palang nangyari. Marami pa nga kayang pwedeng mangyari? Paminsan paulit-ulit rin lang naman ang kwento ng buhay. Iba't-ibang tao, iba't-ibang sitwasyon--pero sa huli magkakapareho rin lang ng damdamin, saloobin at kalutasan. Buhay nga naman, parang gulong lang, paulit-ulit lang rin.

Sige, balikan natin ang orihinal na tanong. Ano na nga bang mangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon? Komento nga sa'kin minsan, masaya naman maging spontaneous at magpadala lang sa agos ng pagbabago.; pero syempre mas makakabuti pa rin ang pagpapaplano nang sa gayon makita kung saan ang patutunguhan. Yun rin lang naman ang punto ng aking ama sa pinapagawa nya sa amin eh: ang malaman ang patutunguhan namin. Eh, ano na nga bang gusto kong patunguhan ng buhay ko?

Payo nga sa'kin ni ninang, always come up with plan B. Dapat laging may back up plan. Hindi nga naman kasi lahat ng plano ay masusunod, dahil sa simpleng dahilan na hindi naman talaga tayo ang may kontrol sa mga bagay. Diyos lamang ang nakakagawa nun--ang magplano at maisakatuparan ang mga iyon. Napagtanto ko na rin ito dati at ngayon namalayan kong ganito na nga mismo ang ginawa ko. Nung una hindi ko pa ito naisip gawin--yun plan B kasing naisip ko nun eh sa totoo lang di ko rin naman inasahan na maisasakatuparan, kaya kinalimutan ko rin agad. Pero sa pangalawang pagkakataon, naitama ko na mali ko at hinanda na ang sarili ko sa masaklap na katotohanan.

Plano, plano, plano. Ano nang plano? Ano pang pwedeng maiplano sa buhay na ito? Ano pang pwedeng mangyari? Ano ba talagang gusto ko sa huli? Ano nang direksyon ang tatahakin ko? Ano na ba talagang mangyayari sa'kin ngayon?

Dating scene. Ayun na. Ang matagal-tagal ko na ring iniindang aspeto ng buhay ko. Katarayan ko nga rin naman kasi. Pero sa kabilang banda, may mga dumating rin namang pagkakataon ah. Hindi ko alam kung bakit tinalikuran ko ang mga pagkakataong ito--wala akong maibigay na konkretong dahilan maliban sa prangka kong sagot na ayaw ko. Ayoko lang talaga--tapos. Ngayon haharapin ko na sya at 'di na magpapaligoy-ligoy pa. Panahon ko na nga kaya? Kailangan ko na kayang gumawa ng paraan, maghintay pa rin, o ano? Yun na nga kaya ang hinahanap kong pagbabago--ang gumawa ng paraan kaysa maghintay gaya ng dati?

Hindi naman talaga ito ang balak kong talakayin sa sulating ito. Pero paano naman kaya kung ito talaga yun naiisip kong planuhin para sa sarili ko sa taong ito? Kamusta na lang sa ipapasa kong homework sa ama ko, aba!

Aha! Alam ko na. Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, you lose yourself in a relationship. Para kasing iba yun daily routines kapag may nobyo, iba rin kapag wala. Mabuti na lang single ako last year: I was able to focus on honing my time management skills. Natuto akong magplano, plano, plano--tapos masanay sa magagandang habits.

Kaya naman sa taong ito, napagdesisyunan kong ipagpatuloy ang mga habits ko last year, magdagdag pa at isakatuparan na for real yun mga nabasura nang nakaraang taon. Ang mahirap kasi sa one time, big time goals eh madali ko silang pagsawaan--madaling magbago isip ko. Minsan pag andyan na yun pagkakataon, mabibigla na lang ako na ginusto ko pala ang mga ganung bagay, at sa huli ay tatalikuran ko rin naman kasi hindi ko ito lubusang ginusto... ni wala man lang sense of fulfillment. Kaya naman ako naging spontaneous--masaya na ako sa anumang dumating sa buhay ko.

Ganun na nga ang gagawin ko: pagplanuhan pang maigi ang mga maaasahan, at hayaan na lamang dumating ang tinaguriang life's little surprises. At kasama na siguro dun ang pag-ibig, kaibigan, pati na mga inuman.

Sa susunod ko na lamang idedetalye ang tinutukoy ko. Maraming salamat, kahit paano'y naliwanagan ako. Ngayon alam ko na mga mangyayari pang susunod. ^-^


mood accomplished
listen Mama Mia by Abba

yahn @ 11:51 PM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]



January 11th, 2009

Closer

Today's forecast:
You usually have good judgment when it comes to getting to know people, but it might be a little bit clouded right now. This new person that you are dying to get to know better, for example -- are they really deserving of this level of your admiration? Think about this long and hard today, because who you bring into your life is not a choice to make lightly. Make sure you're choosing these people based on the right reasons. Disposable friendships are more trouble than they're worth.

How timely, I'd say. I've been getting closer and closer to some people in my new found family. Sure I love it, companionship and all. And I'm getting somehow used to it. I start to compare it with my other affiliations, and I get this feeling that I've found that 'family belongingness' here more than in any organization I am part of. Only with these people did I really get to open up and share openly what I am.

Getting close to these people is surely a choice for me to make, not just an accidental happening. Anyway, the thing I'm just bothered with is me getting closer to this person that, as I've already mentioned, I never intended to know. I know for myself that I should be bothered because I'm getting jealous now--which isn't the case with other people that I'm comfortable talking with. As I've said to my friend, I don't wanna come up and get close without assuring myself that I want nothing more than friendship--the same way I approach and relate with people I like to be friends with.

That's it for today. Still have a workshop to attend to. Plus that exam! Sure hope I pass that one on Monday. Do pray for me!


watch Step Up 2: The Streets

yahn @ 01:43 PM | Book Of The Yahn [1 comment/s]



January 19th, 2009

Ito problema ko

Ganito problema ko sa tarantadong 'yon. Bakit ba kasi siya lapit ng lapit, eh andun na nga sya sa mismong tao na gusto nya talagang lapitan. Eh, ako rin naman tong magulo. Ba't nga din ba ako masyadong nag-aalala? Kailangan ng konting kontrol sa sarili. Ayan na, magkausap na ulit kami. Hindi ko na mamamalayan kung saan tutungo ang usapang ito.

Nitong nakaraang apat na araw, saka ko na lang lubusang naintindihan ang pagiging magka-tropa namin. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kung gusto ko talagang ma-seryoso na ang isang 'to, magiging tunay na kaibigan ako at makikinig at makikinig. Hindi ko pa rin kaya makipagkaibigan. Andun pa rin yun hadlang na tinutukoy ko nung nakaraang linggo. Yun pakiramdam na palagay ko'y parte ng tinaguriang infatuation.

Buti pa sa iba nagagawa kong makipagtropahan at makipagbargasan ng ganun-ganun lang. Kahit ano nakukwento ko at higit sa lahat hindi ako nahihiyang lumapit. Pero sa kanya, may ilang pa rin na hindi nawawala. Hindi naman ako maarte. Sadyang naiilang lang talaga rin ako na nakikita ng ibang tao na kami at kami ang magkausap. Tapos hindi ko pa maikwento sa kanila mga usapan namin--na dumadagdag sa paghihinala nila na di naman talaga nila dapat isipin. Gusto ko na lang isagot sa kanila, "Itanong nyo kaya sa kanya!" Nakakasawa na rin kasi eh. Kung meron man talaga ikukwento at ikukwento ko naman eh. Pati, gaya nga ng nakagawian ko na, ayoko ikwento kung wala pa naman talaga sa puntong 'yon.

Ang pinakamabigat ko na sigurong problema ay ito: nahuhulog na kasi loob ko. Di ba nga, ayoko lumapit hangga't nasa puso ko pa yun insecurity, yun kagustuhan kong ma-solo atensyon nya. Mahiyang kaya ako kung mapalapit ako ng husto sa kanya? Magiging ka-tropa ko kaya sya gaya ng pakikipagtropahan ko sa iba?

Ito na pinakamalalang mali ko: bakit ko ba masyadong inaalala ang opinyon ng mga mapanghusgang madla? Ano ba naman pakialam at alam nila sa'min, di ba? Ewan, sobrang conscious ko lang din, kahit wala naman talagang dapat ipagalala. Inuna ko pa daw isipin ang sasabihin ng iba kaysa sa sasabihin nya, o kahit sa gusto ko no? Nainis ako. Naiinis talaga ako. Nainis ako sa pagpapakomplikado ko ng mga bagay.

Iyan nga problema ko sa kanya. Kausap na, naghahanap pa ng ibang kausap. Ito pa man din ayokong pinag-uusapan namin. Naiilang lang ako.

Bakit ngayon pa sya dumating? Bakit pa nya ako kinausap?

Maligayang bati nga pala sa sarili ko.


yahn @ 07:58 AM | Book Of The Yahn [Add comment/s]



February 1st, 2009

First day of the month horoscope

If you are starting a new romance, make sure you are giving it all the energy it requires. Giving only half your attention because you fear it might not work out isn't going to save your feelings -- it's going to all but guarantee your failure. If something is important to you, you have to act like it. Put it at the top of your priority list and show the universe that you are willing to work for what you want. Solid efforts you make today will take things a lot farther than you had hoped.

Wala na akong maidadagdag pa. *sigh*


mood serious, confused, complex
read x_x

yahn @ 01:58 AM [1 comment/s]



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