November 3, 2009

Siguro Mr. T!, wala lang magawa si Chris kanina dahil napospone yung meeting niya kaya nakipagkita siya sa kin at nilibre pa ko sa North Park ulit. Or dahil alam niyang sad ako? Or dahil ngayon niya lang narealize na yung office niya malapit lang sa Ospital ng Makati? Hmmm… same table, almost-the-same food. Sobrang kulit ni Chris kanina Mr. T! Ayoko talaga magkwento pero napakwento ko. Shucks. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba yung ginawa ko kanina. Naisip ko rin naman na Chris has become one of my super duper closest friends. Seryoso ko dun. Naisip ko rin naman na malawak utak ni Chris kung magkukuwento ko ng mga nangyari sa kanya. At least may napagsabihan na ko. Kung baket ang lungkot lungkot ko.

Hay… napasaya ko ni Chris kahit papaano kanina. May mali sa pagkikita namin ni Chris kanina eh Mr. T! Ngayon kaya ko ng sabihin, wala na kong nararamdaman para kay Chris. Mahal ko si Chris and I care about Chris, pero hanggang dun na lang yun. Namiss ko rin siya Mr. T! Matagal tagal na rin kaming hindi nagkita. Tama siya nung sinabi niyang hindi naman habang buhay na may mararamdaman ako para sa kanya. Nagkatotoo yun. Pero ang alam ko hindi ko kasalanan yun kung nawala man yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Pero sumaya ko kanina. Salamat Chris.

This entry contained scripting, which has been removed for your safety. Click here to see the entry in its entirety.

subtlebliss @ 10:36 PM | Everyday Drama, Food and Dining [1 comment/s]

Sweet escape

I haven't been myself lately and been slacking off in everything I do. I have lost the vibe in giving attention to my  life. I have done things, I shouldn't be doing. I took risks because they said "life is a risk". I have waited for something that doesn't even exist because I always believe that "patience is a virtue". I have waited, yet it never happened. I have waited, and waited for more. I have waited but I can't deal the pain anymore. Now it's time to accept that things aren't exactly what they are. They may look so simple but it can be just a facade. Or worst than that, it can be a trap. The next thing you know, you are already shackled and can no longer escape.

Now all I want is a sweet escape.

I am making my own mess. I am making my own misery. And I need a fuckload of strength to move on. I can't wait forever. I am only human. I get tired and most of all I am also vulnerable to pain.

greenlife @ 06:01 PM [4 comment/s]

November 1st, 2009

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Kakakausap ko lang kay Deck sa phone Mr. T! Hindi ko matatago na malungkot ako. Sobrang lungkot. Hindi masyadong makapag-isip utak ko. Siguro resulta na rin ng puyat at pagod at epekto ng alcohol. Tinanong ko na naman sa sarili ko ang lagi kong tinatanong Mr. T!, "Kulang pa ba?". Sa pagkakataong toh, hindi ko na alam. I've loved enough to hurt.

Rams, while he was about to drop me off sa Ortigas kaninang umaga, may na-open siyang topic. He was polite enough not to open it up sa harap kanina ng ibang tao. Napa-isip ako sa mga sinabi ni Rams. Hindi naman ako galit eh Mr. T! Nasaktan lang ako pero wala naman akong karapatan. Siguro, sanay na ko masaktan at magselos ng wala namang karapatan. Hindi ko naman sinasadya na maramdaman ko yun. Kung pwede lang pigilan yung nararamdaman ko eh di sana matagal ko ng pinigilan.

The things you don't know won't hurt you. Sabi ni Deck kanina. Pero para sa kin, it's better to know than to wonder. Okay na sa kin na masaktan ako huwag lang talagang nagmumukha akong tanga. Na hindi ko alam mga nangyayari. Na akala ko okay lang lahat pero maraming nangyayari sa likod ko. Na akala ko na ganito ganyan, pero hindi naman talaga. Mas importante sa kin na alam ko ang katotohanan, kesa isip ako ng isip at nagmumukha na pala akong tanga.

Sometimes, I say things I don't mean. This happens pag nasasaktan ako. Pag naguguluhan mag-isip utak ko. Pag alam kong it's my only way para masaktan din yung nakasakit sa kin. Alam kong masama yun. Pero pag bumalik na ko sa senses ko, nagsosorry naman ako. And I make up for the things I've said. Alam kong mahirap burahin yung mga bagay na nasabi mo na, but at least, nasabi mo. Nakasakit ka nga lang. And siguro, sa mga masakit mong nasabi, baka maparealize yung nasabihan mo nun.

Handang handa na kasi siguro ako magkarelasyon. People often tell me that pag nagkukuwento ko tungkol sa mga lumalapit sa kin. When I want people so badly, I don't look elsewhere. Sa kanila lang ako nakatingin. At sa kanila lang. Sometimes, I expect them to be that way. At mali ako dun. Last night, yet again was a testimony, I met a lot of guys. I even had sex and even 30somes invitations. People were asking for my numbers. Strangers were trying to kiss me here and there and even holding my cock thinking I was so drunk. Still I didn't give in to these things because I've set my mind and heart to this person. Kahit alam kong I don't need to be faithful dahil hindi naman kami. 

Nasasaktan ako. Oo. Because I expect people to do the same what I do for me. Tragedy. It will only lead me to a tragic ending Mr. T! I never should expect they do the same. I'm sorry. 

I hate this once a upon a time withoug a happy ending. Laging ganito Mr. T! Does it always have to be like this? Kaya ko namang kumapit hanggang sa makakayanan ko eh. Maglelet go lang naman ako kung sasabihin sa kin. Masakit alam ko. Pero kung yun ang gusto nila, who can stop them? Eh kung hindi ko nga sila natulungan ayusin mga issues nila eh. What more stop them from letting me go. Nakakalungkot. I've never been this down.

I thought I know enough about love. Hindi talaga. And will I ever? I don't know. I'm holding on to whatever I'm holding right now. Nobody can tell me to let go or move away. I've always wanted to reach that happy ending. And if it's gonna cost me pains and troubles, I don't care as long as I'll eventually get there. Even if you tell me na bumitiw na ko...

subtlebliss @ 10:51 PM | Everyday Drama [2 comment/s]

halloween

Seriously, Halloween hates me.

satsuki @ 12:32 PM | Random, Personal [Add comment/s]

October 29th, 2009

"field trip"

Sigh the stupid VC field trip ruined our plan of going to Disney Halloween today (Wednesday). And even though the last day is the 31st, we are left with a bunch of work and bad timing, which means we couldn't go at all. After planning for a month! Damn the teacher.

The field trip was like a kindergarten field trip--going to a cultural museum, riding on a bus... the only difference was that the "picnic" lunch was replaced with a dinner at a cheap cafe, with pasta that's so disgusting it's like eating glue. D: My friends and I were planning to leave after the museum visit, but in the end, we stayed for everything, because we were too chicken to tell the program leader (although one did left by calling the TA, which was...).

Good thing tomorrow's a day off. A real day off.

satsuki @ 12:29 AM | Rants, School/Work, Personal [Add comment/s]

October 27th, 2009

<3

I love you Grandma. Be careful <3

satsuki @ 11:41 PM | Relationships, Personal [Add comment/s]